Sunday, December 4, 2011

The change we need/require in/as this world/existence – is change that can stand eternally, that contribute to existence as a whole – humans, animals, nature, the earth, existence…then change is REAL.
This is a quote by Sunnette. I saw today how who i was was not consistent. It was actually a point i tried to become but from the perspective of the mind. You, see the mind cannot last. The physical lasts, the physical is the key. Today i saw the same point. I wrote 4 practical things that i can do that i know i can do at any moment given i have the time and am in the physical position to do so, and they are: Vlog, Art for equality, Forum support, and breath. Each one of these i see benefits existence as a whole.

Friday, December 2, 2011


I asked my mom: “What mattered more, jesus’ message or jesus the man?” And she said the it’s the man who lives the message. Something I pointed out later was, the message is the man living the message, because only then can you even know the man. From my perspective, its not at all about the man, it could be any man, but it’s the message that matters, who the man is really. Like Bernard Poolman. Its not about the man, but the message. It could have been anyone, it just happened to be this man. Funnyly enough, one man is not powerful enough, including jesus, to change this reality. What is required is more men and women. Everyone coming together. So you can see, the man is not really the solution to change, but man is. All man, any man, which included the man who stood for the message or principle.  And includes you too! :P

Monday, November 28, 2011

I was a Meditator

               I meditated constantly. As a child I even meditated. It was around ten that I was taught “how to meditate.” I became obsessed with gurus and enlightened beings. I thought meditation was the only way I could truly help people, because as long as I am unenlightened I will always make mistakes and never do what needs to be done. I needed to become intuitive and loving, so whatever I do is good and right for the moment. I later became possessed with the idea of being guided in my life. I was always worried with being on track with my destiny. Anything that is implied in this writing is true. As I reread this i see many unspoken statements that I indeed followed. Enlightenment is a person who is always loving and is connected to the oneness of the world and therefore knows what to do always, even if he doesn’t know it. That being enlightened was the only true way to help anyone. I believed all suffering was due to not being conscious and therefore I could only help if I knew the way. And this is the only “right” thing in the world. “Love.” Because love meant approval/validation. Love meant support. Love meant power/freedom. Love was everything/my world. God was love. Also if you realized love it meant you were in control, you “won.” You're good and better than evil. CONgratulations.
            Later as I had my chance of experiencing myself in relationships and being left outside them did I realize the polarized nature of love and all feelings. The more love, the more hate. I only understood this clearly with video interviews from desteni. I could also see how I accepted and allowed the manifested evil of starvation as normal within myself, which I felt shame for. Before this event I was engulfed with my emotions and feelings, and thoughts. I was oblivious to anything outside myself and my thoughts, emotions and feelings. I was meditating constantly and at some point I made the statement, I was willing to face the truth no matter how difficult it might be. In this way I was able to dare myself to try out the desteni message. I was still limited by my mind and energy. And this was the starting point of meditation: “I am not good enough, need to become more.” Which is clearly separation, which I understood from the message. And then from meditating I would cleverly think of something so I could say I acquired knowledge, “wise statements” which I can show off. I initially participated in desteni videos through wanting to deal with my issues of emotions and eventually feelings. I still existed as a fearful system. A demon, a zombie. I had trouble with my thoughts. Trouble that I caused. I saw thoughts as bad, essentially, and I was afraid of them. I built this personality from reading Eckhart Tolle writings (and other sources, 2B looked at). For the Desteni message, I was drawn in because what I heard I could make sense out of it yet it caused reactions. So I was determined. I have trouble explaining, in simple words why I was determined. Because its life. Because its me. Everything they are saying is about me. It fits me like a glove. Moreover it fits everyone else too. There’s no other way. It may sound cultish, lol, but we’re talking about life. Life cannot be anything else but life. So, life is. And currently life is suffering and suppressed. Anyone who says anything negative or positive about this subject is an asshole. Because this is reality, and reality does not change with a judgment. So lets get real and come down from our heavens in heads and get in touch and dig into Earth.
              This is the first time im facing these memories. I can see I sympathized with myself. And constantly think how bad my life is. I lived a life trying to live the statement: I am good, please give me love. And I was deceptive. I repeated in my head and I believed it. I know now that everything I did, I did to myself, and all that I experienced I did to me. I am responsible, the only one.
              For a lightworker or someone who is looking for love/validation from others, this process is as difficult as you make it. I suggest being soft with yourself and deadly when needed. The message is simplistic, there are no tricks. The forum makes it easier and ask for help. Don’t be proud, you’re an equal in this process. Give yourself yourself. Practice reading each word clearly and precisely without emotion or feeling and rereading when you do react or think. Have Fun!

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use meditation as a way to avoid having to intervene to help people, animals and plants. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of making a mistake. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of making a mistake because I allowed it to happen. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of not knowing I was making a mistake or allowing a mistake. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use intuition and loving from a distance as an excuse to not take practical responsibility. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire perfection in never doing wrong and always doing right. And I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use guidance as an excuse for not taking self-responsibility for this world. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use astrology, the mayan dream chart, and other predictions for my future as excuses to not act and live a responsible life. I forgive myself for not realizing the enlightenment is simply living a responsible life as an equal to any other doing the same. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to find my own way that does not involve directing assisting each and every person, plant, and cell in this universe, that avoids this process of facing me for who I accepted and allowed me to live and be. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to plan to use love as an attempt to enslave people to me, where I loved people and showed them “the way,” just as I enslaved myself to love, to a being out there somewhere higher than me that I can’t see and therefore it meant He was special like magic, something to believe in. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enslave myself to love and loving another being or several beings. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself connect self-power to feeling loved. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define self-power within feeling loved. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from self-power and feeling loved through defining self-power within feeling loved in separation of myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define freedom in separation from myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘freedom’ to feeling love. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘freedom’ within feeling loved. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘freedom’ and feeling loved through defining the word ‘freedom’ within feeling love in separation of myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make feeling a certain experience constantly and consistently with no fluctuation, the purpose of my life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that by having a certain experience constantly and consistently with no fluctuation as a way to experience god or be god. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that by having a certain experience constantly and consistently with no fluctuation that only I know of would define winning. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from existence by desiring to experience love. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire love for me and only me, forever. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see enlightened being and gurus as more than me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as less than gurus, enlightened beings, and god. I forgive myself for not realizing that what needs to be done requires doing, actual living application with a noticeable stance from me doing so in my world. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that repeating the thoughts on enlightenment and love, I was in fact being brainwashed by myself, in fear of myself and in fear of living or have to live. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of having to live. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of facing me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of responsibility and making a noticeable change in the world that would require self-sacrifice by facing and ending parts of me such as my fear and resistances. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of making a mistake in my self-forgive and so being hesitant. I forgive myself for not realizing the simplicity in writing down every point I have participated in forgiveness. I forgive myself for not realizing that I have power to be one and equal with my words in writing. I forgive myself for not realizing the responsibility I have to having the power to be one and equal with my words in writing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my self-faith outside of me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not use the power of my self-faith to know what is real and what is an illusion. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing suffering in this world by accepting and allowing suffering within me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take self-responsibility for suffering within me and my world. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and find another way to end suffering so that I can justify and excuse having to face my fear of me and from having to take responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing shame and guilt for what I have accepted and allowed. I forgive me for not taking responsibility for this world as me and not realize that by taking responsibility I prove that I had always been the only one who had to take responsibility that no other solution exist. And I prove that each one can take self-responsibility. I forgive myself for splitting me so that I can avoid responsibility. I forgive myself for separating myself from being a being who is always loving and is connected to the oneness of the world and therefore knows what to do always. And I forgive defining love as an experience instead of actual physical relationship between two points where one point actually practically is acting on another, so that visible change is apparent and instantaneous. I forgive myself for relying on the reptilian logic of right, that love is right and hate is wrong, where if I dared to disturb another being’s slumber for any reason that they can hate me for, I would be wrong. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect love to hope. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect love to joy. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect love to peace. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define peace within love. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself fot define joy within love. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define hope within love. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the words joy and love through defining the word joy within love in separation from myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from hope and love through defining the word hope within love in separation of myself. I forgive myself forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word peace and the word love through defining the word peace within the word love in separation of myself. I forgive myself for defining who I was in terms of who I was in comparison to Evil. I forgive myself for having the definition of me to be based on a comparison of being more than or less than someone/something else. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define control of my world as having an experience of love as energy.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Something important to read

Here, im considering people’s death. Here is a list of top 5 regrets people had on there deathbed. Source
If one checks the link the lady claims that she worked with the dying. How this can help us is to check within oneself whether oneself is following a programmed design that one is participating. This also reveals “human nature.” I place quotes on human nature to help dispel the belief that human nature does not change. It does, as I have found.
The first: 1) I wish I had the courage to live my life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. I would say, to be clear, this statement reveals much, first off is fear. It also shows a person is not honest with himself, because if a person is living a life that is not true to oneself then one is betraying oneself.
Ok, the second:
2) I wish I didn’t work so hard.
What this statement reveals immediately to me is that a person is stressed or work feels hard. If one did a work one enjoyed one would not have this regret. And im using enjoy as enjoy, and not something that can be substituted like tolerable or lucky to have this job. Virtually no one can say they want to work because they like it. They do it for money. But it is possible for us to change.
3) I wish I had the courage to express my feelings
For me I see that what lacks is self-expression. Simply put expressing oneself. Its not just feelings but to express oneself in movement, breathing, choosing, living. We act like we have a choice, but really. Answer me this, is it a choice to not be yourself? Careful. Don’t be brainwashed by the idea of freewill. It would be self-betrayal (see above) to deny the truth of oneself.
4) I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends
I see that a person is afraid to be alone. That oneself is afraid of losing friendship. I also can see lack of self-expression (see above).
5) I wish that I had let myself be happier
This reveals the same awkward point of view concerning freewill in 3). Its sad really. But it also reveals another point: Its funny, that we “allow” happiness. This implies that we also choose to not be happy. That we allow anger, hatred, superiority, ego, etc… also. But really. C’mon. No one would choose these experiences. So why? Well discover youself @ and join forum.
Have patience and persistence.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Something short and sweet

I had the thought, Nothing changes. Within this thought was the anxiety to enter into my old habits. But in order to enter into these habits I would need to change. Its funny how this statement: Nothing changes, is trying to get me to change. If I am standing as something that does not change anymore, I am committed to something, a way of living, a way of expressing. Which is Me. I am committed to me. I am committed to writing, to breathing, and to self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think 'Nothing changes.'
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the thought 'Nothing changes' be a trigger for the emotion anxiety.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use the emotion anxiety to enter into a habit.
I forgive myself for not realizing i was blaming anxiety for an action i was taking.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from anxiety through defining anxiety within old habits.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the emotion anxiety be a trigger for entering into an old habit [unconscious mind].

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

I have never been patient. I have preoccupied myself with things or games but never have i ever actually been patient while waiting or when denied something I want. Even though my parents woud say to me, What patience! when referring to how calm i appeared when sitting quietly while my brother and sister misbehaves. What they didn't know or chose to ignore was that when something did bother me i hid it. Also i would distract myself, which they had no way of noticing, because i did it in my mind. I would imagine monsters destroying the city and a superhero fighting them. I never saw the end of the fight because i made it so that they can continue entertaining me. It was all in my head placed over reality. Pictures real enough for me to see within daylight. I borrowed them from tv shows, movies and video  games. I brought them to life and i made the main character my savior or guardian.
Back to the point on hand. I now realize that they were wrong (my parents) that i was not a patient boy but a detached one. And when something did upset me, which in some cases can be called the very definition of impatience, i would remove myself from the world by leaving (living) in my head. The way i would handle academic assignments, since i was impatient during such times, i would treat them as games and i would expect the reward of getting A's. It was an energetic high i induced. Literally. When working i would get a frantic feeling sometimes and would work fast. When i knew in order to succeed i had to read or work slowly i would slow down. But it was all done within the goal of succeeding and getting those A's. Each time, each test, each homework i felt a combination of relief of stress with one of intoxication. Otherwise, if i didn't do this, i would not do the work. Im impatient. I need to get want i want, which is energy. Which i get from video games, tv, movies, viral videos, joking with friends, making out with lovers, or being close to family. And of course, winning.
Im ready to change, are you? This is a sad story, sad because its pathetic and pointless and torture-some. I choose to be patient. I choose life as me as who i am as my entire experience of me. All is me. I choose freedom.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Black children

           On my desktop, there is a picture of black children looking at me. I found it on the web and i decided to put is as my desktop image of my computer to remind me about life, that life spans any color and any form. I remember how when i was younger i public school i sometimes would confuse one person for another because in my eyes they looked the same. They were minorities. Later on i learned in psychology that the human brain is able to differentiate people easier after enough exposure. They showed this with a few studies on people that were white that could differentiate blacks better than whites and vice versa. So i know that this mistake that all blacks look alike is due to not knowing very many blacks. And also when other people associate all blacks are poor or criminal is because they don't know very many who aren't. It also has to do with fear, because its harder to get to know someone when your afraid of them. Its a vicious cycle. Parents become afraid they keep their kids away from others. Kids are afraid. Kids grow up.
I could cite thousands of reasons why its stupid to be afraid but being afraid of life is good enough reason to stop oneself from being afraid. Whatever you could be afraid of as something you can point to as something real, is life. Death is life too. There is no exception. All is life and guess what you're it too. Life life life. Life has no opposite because there's no else but life.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

hi again

I have something i need to say.I was busy adding more blogs to the 'blogs i like' tab and everytime i add a blog i check the blog out. So i was checking Cerise's which was very cool. Then i went to add Christophe's when i got a reaction immediatly. It were very desperate moments. I had trouble breathing and the straing in the pit of my stomach was getting worse. I made sure to read it. But then i found myself to not really being paying attention to the words of the self-forgiveness, specifically. I immediatly identified this reaction as fear. I was afraid of this website, or so it appeared. So i tried forgiving. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid. I could tell that something was not right because there was not even a slight relief. So i did the same, i said it too quickly. I whispered out loud, because when it gets stuck sometimes, the words, inside. So this forgiveness worked as i was more specific reading the name of the blog, forgiving me for being afraid of it. There was slight relief, which is too subtle to notice, or perhaps i was not paying close attention. But i knew it worked, inside of me. I eventually realized im afraid of so many desteni things. That fear has engulfed and anger too. I also realize that i had created this and this was my responsibility. So as i look at desteni material i will self-forgive.
I had always been afraid for reading another's self forgiveness. Sometimes i would hope it would change me. But it has no special powers. I realzie that im the real powerhouse here. The physical as me anyway. I can use the physical as me to change and become physical, because of equality. You are equal to what you participate in. Mind or body? choose. Lol. No contest.
thanks for reading

My mom likes to watch Rachel Maddow.

I have been watching the news recently on tv. My mom likes to watch Rachel Maddow. The 99& percent movement has been going on for 1 month now. My mom's very enthusiatic about it. From my perspective they will sadly achieve nothing. Because they don't have a solution. If they were given power to decide what will happen, waht can they say? The funny thing, which is also sad, is that there has also been people negativley affected/neglected by this very system. Poeple are probly to scared to change, let alone think of it. Children are really good at thinking of new ways and of ways to change things. But soon after they lose it due to the schooling process. Equal money is the answer. No need to waste time discussing. Starting considering for yourself. What is the best way to live for life? Together. How will we treat each others? Equally. How will get the things we need? With Money. Who will work? everyone. Why? the reasons are endless and to ask why is pointless, because look at your life, do you ask why you live or work or eat? The real question, now that's settled, is how to achieve what's best.
Support the progress to perfection
Support Equal Money

Monday, October 17, 2011

Hi reader

I support an equal money system because its the safest, fastest and best move for transition. Because humans need to change and they need a platform or base to change from. Like any child, we need support. Redistribution of wealth is not any kind of a solution. A real solution is a change of base or structure of living. We could change the money to the value of life and so be supported everyone. We could live happily free of stress, etc...
How we get there is by voting. And then standing as a willing participant in such a system of equality. We all will need to give so that the youth may learn of what it means to be life to be equal. Its simple. Just stand. Breath and go for it.

Friday, October 7, 2011

I would like to start off by describing the mind, because it will support me in identifying and stopping the mind. To start right off the bat, the mind has its own way of doing things and does not care for the well being of myself and others. Saying this makes me angry at the mind, but when i look at it, the mind is not in position to care about what it does. It just does things according to its systems that i have accepted and allowed and even was an active participant in. And this makes me angry too, which shows who i am really angry at, myself. Because i am responsible in the end for what the mind supposedly did. It was really me who do it, really. Even though it was a passive acceptance. I forgive myself for being angry at myself for what the mind did. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry at myself for having been an active participant in creating the systems of the mind. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the mind for the actions I carried out and lived as myself for all of my life. I take responsibility now, once and for all and do it happily as me.


Hi, I want to make this blogpost inorder to place before me in writing how i was behaving and experiencing myself tonight. To summarize tonight, i read a quarter of a philosophy paper on Science, baked a key lime pie, picked up my sister from school, and finally played a football video game with my cousin who unexpectedly dropped by. My original intention for reading an essay from my philosophy of science book was to have something to write about. While reading the introduction of a chapter i found it easy enough and was surprised by that fact. Though im not able to remember what the subject was exactly. I only remember it was on scientific laws and the degree to which we know them as true. Are they necessary or contingent? Stuff like that. There are many authors in this chapter but the one that provoked me to read was Cartwright. He claimed that all scientific laws are false since they do not accurately make true statements of reality due to their descriptive nature. Scientific laws are very simplified view holes of the way things are. They intend to explain things by creating a simple law which never alone can account for the reality of things. So in this way they lose the whole picture, more bluntly the actual picture. Not a single thing can be described alone by a law as we have it. This is a reflection of how human beings currently think. They try to simplify their world at the cost of living outside of the reality of the situation of things.

  I started with my pie making and prepared the crust I made on oil based pastry crust. It worked out better then i could ever hope for. I never made a pastry crust of oil before and normally (normally in the sense of when i used to bake pies 4 years ago) i used shortening to make the flaky pastry crust, we know and love. I made rad apple pies years ago. Tonight i made my first ever key-lime pie. I made several mistakes. One was out of ignorance which i only realized by chance. When beating egg yolk i was supposed to do it on high for 5 min. Instead I had beaten it like a egg for breakfast. My other mistake was carelessness. When beating egg whites, if a single speck of fat is present then it won't whip. I used a dirty mixer that had oil present. So i ruined the meringue. I never enjoyed cooking. I only ever did it for the food. And the taste. It was reason enough for this pie. I also do it sometimes for others as a sign of love, my grandma for example.

I picked up my sister today since my mom was so tired. Tonight was my third time driving out today. Night driving is more difficult. My cousin tagged along so i had to pay careful attention to not be distracted. The driving went alright the first turn i made though i over calculated it. When we got home i eventually played three matches all in which he whipped my butt. I got angry in the third game. I wasn't angry at him i was angry at me. When i forgave myself, however, i played better. Self anger is not productive.
Thanks for reading,

Thursday, October 6, 2011

No one can take this away from me...

Hi, so this is a blog post after a long absence from blogging. I blog to assist me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not make the most of each day. I need to blog consistently to support my-self and others too. I realize now, the power of my blogging and words. Because my words are very powerful. They are statements i live by. Just in the same way i have done things which i have and still regret and the actions thereof cannot be erased, my words too stand. I would recommend blogging to anyone and everyone.
       One thing i regret doing is never having the courage to tell a friend the feelings i experienced when with her. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid to tell a person i experienced feelings when around this person. This was a grave act of self-dishonesty. And now its corrected. I am no longer afraid of saying what i experienced in a moment to another person. Though it will never be a direct reason for entering an agreement with someone, having feelings for him/her. The statement i made, i intend to live it fully, that is what makes it an act of self-honesty. If i fail to live it, meaning i do not correct myself through action and self-forgiveness, that i do not completely live it as a changed me, then i will be self-dishonest.
      I have been studying Portuguese recently. I spent a time in Brazil with family living there and I have a book with me to study grammar. I also have been looking at an English grammar book. To better understand the language structurally. I am afraid of having a poor structure in writing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of having a poor structure or no structure in writing at all. I have reworked my tendency to produce ambiguous sentences or sentences that run off or cut off. Mainly i would make passive sentences. Which is fine in some contexts when i intend the meaning in that way. But it is not fine when i do not intend it or the reader does not receive my intention. Here's a quick tip: when writing or speaking English the subject of a sentence always come first so that: The bird flew over the house. The subject is 'bird.' The predicate is 'flew'. I tended to say things passively, meaning i would say things such as: the house was flown over by the bird. I have made the decision to change the way i speak, and even look so as to accommodate society so that they are willing to give me a chance to be heard in the way i intended to be. The message of equality is a message spoken and written in a language and we are bound by the language. We also can create a new language and learn to speak passively or actively. I simply am becoming aware of how to best use English to best express me.  So in any English sentence the subject comes first. The 'house' becomes the subject and 'was' becomes the predicate. Here is something worth sharing. When i spoke of equality in Spanish or Portuguese, it seemed i made more sense. This may be because i was using words that were not programmed with altered definitions like in English, but i was speaking purely with the simple words i had. As we become zombified as kids, we create very emotional ways of speaking and we use words to create reactions within us or others. Because i learned a language in college and because i was applying some lessons from what i learned of desteni vids I applied learning words as sound as me. I would learn a word through the sound of the word and would allow it to resonate as me here. In essence i created it pure or as it really is. So this is what i need to do with English words. To clean up the dirt that i created which is our emotions and feelings. Which is energy. Which is very limited and compressed/suppressed me.
I am the key to the lock that is me.
Locked within a mind.
I will no longer be just a mind living for energy.
My action is a key so is my breath.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Yesterday at 10:20pm we, my cousin, my mom and I, left the house to go to Key Largo. There were three whales that were recovering and were being held by volunteers. They were literally held with our/the volunteers hands. They had been beached and were being held in this marine conservatory. They were in ocean water and facing the beach so they were not in a tank of water like in a zoo. They were still young calf. I mainly decided to volunteer because it was a in the moment decision that yeah that sounds about right, im doing that. It was not from any starting point of desire or for fun. I stopped such points regarding volunteer work.
          When we got there i had to wait for a while before it was my turn to hold the whales. What you do is just stand there in the water and have two hands on the whale in order to help it stay up from the water so that it can breath easily from it blowhole. It really is simple but i can't describe it too well. When we were explained it to there was a stuffed dolphin for purposes of demonstration. If i tried to explain, I would say that primary position is holding the whale with two hands leaning against your hip from the whales' side behind the flippers. One hand is at the base of the flipper the other on its dorsal fin, like a shark fin. Two or three people were holding each whale. Today my mom said that the whale's breathing is just like Sunnette's, the portal. My mom knows fairly well about the portal and the messages, but she cannot grasp that the physical is the key. I could say she is too bent on love. She still believes deeply that certain saints become enlighten through serving and loving others. So the point she made about the portal was the whale's hold their breath, which my mom noticed is exactly how Spies's does it. The whale i was holding would jolt whenever i would not stay here as breath! It was rather cool. I would drift from this reality and make a judgment about the whale and at the exact moment the whale twitched. This was consistent and was supportive.
     When i was sitting and waiting for my turn to go in I was dealing with a point of thought and reaction. It was to this girl who upon appearance you think, wow she definitely loves the whales on a personal level. That she was made to do this. I had a thought upon seeing this reaction, that i was preprogrammed to see that about her. This was something i was accepting and allowing within myself. So i looked to stop. I remember breathing and focusing on myself here and listening. I did not give her any special attention within my mind. Who i am is what i do. That is who i really am. Thinking about something or someone, and loving something or someone is not real and is not something done. Therefore it is not who you really are.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

A year long lesson on feelings (memory)

Before I made the commitment to ask Kattje out I had second thoughts and worries. Was I doing the right thing? Was it simply a point of desire? These worries are emotions. Later when I decided to go through with it I was happy and excited. I made a card for her and I also “overcame” my doubts. I was gonna be committed to her and committed to standing as myself in the relationship. These statements of commitments and feelings were feelings. We were existing in a really unusual side of polarity. I stood as feelings, I stood as energy. I did not realize this until now some year and half later. During the time I did feel that something was imbalanced and I tried to voice my concern with her. But the problem was I did not know what the problem was. This situation was very unusual and I have not been in this situation before. Previously I had existed highly in emotions, which were obvious. Emotions just seem more noticeable and in a way more undesirable. Feelings seemed to me to be the right way to go. But its not, its still polarity and thus suppresses emotions which I still experience over 6 months later after the breakup. Feelings are the deceptive side of energy. At least emotions are clear, like the demons. Feelings act just like the white light, it is highly deceptive and I recommend everyone to be extremely careful. No one is existing as life because no one can stand infinitely yet. This is certainly a wake up call. I have much I could right on the feelings I have participated even within Desteni material. I honestly did not know or had I good idea what feelings were. I knew they included love and happiness. But I had not seen where I explicitly participate in this point and the actual experience of me as feelings. This I recommend to be noticed by everyone. The experience of feelings was very surprising for me. I had not considered these experiences as feelings previously but after a week of being in Miami and after several experience online in facebook and youtube, I had been able through what the desteniiprocess course says on feelings and emotions, which is the polarity design of emotions and feelings, I could see where I had participated previously in a emotion but then a feeling arose after. 
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize i have been participating in the polarity design of feelings and emotions all my life.
I must stop feelings not just emotions.

Friday, May 27, 2011

I write on the beginning of my day then I digress into behavioral psychology and speak on some school where teachers are a thing of the past. I also face self-doubt

               So im gonna write this despite of having some resistance in the form of having the excuse that no major points came up today and today was a nice day. I woke up hearing my mom and brother working on something. After hearing them talk about some work they are working on I had a feeling/reaction of not wanting to get out of bed. I was afraid of them getting me to work. Within my family our mom constantly ask us to work. Its not that she constantly ask us to work, which is actually rarely, but rather when she asks us she does so in a nagging/constant way where she keeps poking us looking for a response. Normally when she asks us to work we freeze and resist. Here is this experience of freezing and not wanting to work, which arises. First there is a freezing and then arises a feeling of not wanting to work which possesses me. I can speak for myself but from observation my brother and sister something similar occurs, though my brother is more readily wanting to help carrying grocieries for example of mowing the lawn. My mom said that when I left for college my brother was more willing to help my mother inhis way. He is still quiet about responding and actually enjoy my mother asking him, which is seen when he smiles in saying STOP, or in his words saying he does not like to help, yet he smiles when saying this. I realize this smiling comes from my mom’s sweet natured manner which is annoying.
            So this morning I decided to walk out to the bathroom and get ready, telling myself I do not have to help them work. I also know that there is no free choice, there is just who you are acting in an environment being who you are. Anyway, I breathed through my fear and woke up. I focused a bit on food, I had some thoughts on minecraft, which I did not self-forgive for. Let me do this now. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have thoughts on minecraft. I also had some thoughts which were dream related. In the morning when I wake having been dreaming I am very much mind based/ picture based, and not applying myself here fully as breath. Today I did apply breath affectively when helping my grandmother with manual labor. So when I got out of the bathroom my cousin was there and my mom and brother were upstairs doing something. When I was sitting on the toilet I saw that there was water dripping from the ceiling in the corner by the door. I realized this may be from the AC. I had also seen some water drip the nite before but had not thought much of it since it was so little. I went upstairs and I realized that they were working on the Ac, my mom was talking with my dad about it. I had one time helped my dad clean the AC pipe. Its this PC pipe that can get clogged, so what you do is pour chlorine inside which unclogs it. That’s what they were doing and I had glanced at the chlorine. I told my mom and brother (mostly addressing my mom) about there was water dripping in the bathroom. My brother responded with: We’re one step ahead of you. It was said in my brother’s tone that, Oh really? Guess what, we’re one step ahead of you. Me and my brother has always been competitive. Bu that’s a bigger story. So one small point within what just happened is that I have this mom calling. (mom call like bird call) Where I say MAE! Or Mom. It does not have to be so obvious. When I was saying, mae? There is water dripping In the bathroom. This questioning and explicit searching for my mom to tell her the information that I have for her so that she can do something about it is something very habitual and ingrained in me. Fortunately I can say: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to direct all concerns regarding physical problems in the house to my mom, where in my head I figure my mom is most capable to handle this because she is mom, not because she is in fact most capable. I will also just say I will incorporate all my fingers when typing in order to learn how to use them in order to not place so much stress on my two index fingers and perhaps eventually type faster.
              I am very happy that there is a school where all the kids learn everything on there own. That just goes to show that humans are amazing when placed in an environment where to have equal access to everything and generally well supported. Through studies and experience many great thinkers such as Albert Einstein and others have realized the evil of capitalism and the effects of meat on the body. It is really basic commonsense but commonsense is only accessible when one is not emotional or feeling or thinking. It has to be Self Here. It is true that this school does not promote such commonsense and hopes the kids just gets it own they’re own. And perhaps they do? What are the chances they end their own pre-programmed minds? I would say they were better off than kids in public schools. For one, I am responsible for me. Only I am capable of that. I baby I would say is also self-responsible. They are just unable to walk, eat on there own, but still no matter what, Self- is always self-responsible. The school is a democratic school, which seems great. Equal money has to be placed according to democracy and do what is best for all. The rules in the school are all subject to change and kids have all the power but it is all one man/woman one vote. Which is awesome really. In the farm, I have not visited but im guessing all rules are enforced based on the perspective what is best for all. Whether this can be discussed can only be done so from what is most practical also I left out most effective. I considered for a moment where can I leave my dished here for later to wash. I can see it is most effective to wash in the moment whenever possible, otherwise one may forget. The only argument is if one wants to practice remembering to do something. Well, it seems that energy is used to want to forget and the best way to deal with it is simply ending it through breathing and directing oneself according to what is best for all. The kids of the school I was mentioning are obviously affected outside of school by TV for example also perhaps drugs and alcohol. This does not seem prevalent, but who am I to say? Obviously the first few years of a child are important and younger kids are better to adjust to a democratic school with no teachers. Is real joy enough for a kid to avoid Tv, drugs, alcohol and stick with real people in the real world?
                I started talking about this school because I was stating I will type with all my fingers in order to be more effective typer. I felt confident in me as a human at seeing what other fellow humans have accomplished with no classrooms or teachers. Having an education without teachers is itself invaluable, because it teaches self-independence. I have always felt dependent on the system, to the point of being hopeless by myself learning. I feel that desire for learning or finding interesting things to learn has been squashed out of me. I enjoyed school because I enjoyed being the best, or being better than another. I enjoyed the competition and being easily better than others. My brother is like that too. The same feeling is for online gaming where one does win explicitly.
            Should education be based on the same mentality as sports/ online games? This is what the money system is based on. Winning. Even online addictive games are about winning by finishing the game. Behavioral psychology was really Big. At one time entire psychology departments were filled with only behavioral psychologists (at universities). I have a really good hunch that what they found completely describes what teachers were taught and the entire education system as we know it today. The Main idea is positive reinforcement. Kids when they do well are positively re-enforced (this is basically a science) This has been experimentally tested with rats and pellets. There are even books on it for training dogs. Funny story, I professor of behavior psychology was re-enforced by his students to teach standing in the left side of the chalkboard with his hands in the air. The reward was nodding and smiling or grunts. This was done without him realizing. This just goes to show how programmed we are. One of my first youtube vids was on this, and behavioral psychology, Its titled Rats in a cage. So the downside with this is how does this fair with a roomful of students where a teacher cannot possibly have enough time to speak and positively reinforce each and every single one of the twenty or so students. Also the students are positively reinforcing themselves when they see they have done better than another and feel proud as if answering a question the teacher raised and being the first to answer!.  It complete competition bullshit. I see this clearly and saw this long ago. I am one vote for an education system based on what is best for all. A child having access to peers, as equals, and practical self-supportive information. Novels can be self-supporting. Peers are great teachers. What is best for all is also experiencing self-support, and self-responsibility. In an equal money system once one have a taste for this as a child, you can’t imagine humans ever did it another way. No more Hitlers in the classroom. Teachers are equal to what they do as what is best for all. Students too. We the adults will have to be the first ones to do what is best for all.
              Do kids naturally do what I best for all? No they are robots too. They experience life but they also experience energy and emotions and feelings. With a proper vocabulary to no longer support energy and differentiate a real experience versus a mental one will have tremendous support for children. But language is typically learned starting immediately after birth. So the parents and other speakers in the child’s environment will have tremendous influence. Obviously those who have walked the path of facing the mind would have the proper perspective and vocabulary that would support children’s first years. Are children and Adults equals? No anyone, including any adult, is equal to themselves as how they stand for life. If both people stand for life they are equal in they’re standing, assuming they sincerely and completely standing for life. But one person could stand as life, then they are not equal anymore. This world is really fucked-up and complicated.
                    I doubt myself constantly whether I am actually standing for and as life and whether I am missing anything. For example I get worried that most males won’t make process and that I try and excuse that fear by saying I am not really much of a male and have rather feminine side to me. IF I IN ANYWAY SEE SOMETHING THAT REQUIRES CORRECTING IN ME I WILL CORRECT IT. AFTER SOME TIME OF WALKING I WILL BUILD SELF_TRUST AND WILL NO LONGER HAVE DOUBTS BOUT ME> I look forward to that day.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Be the key

I am writing to assist and support myself as life. I was going to say I want to stop the mind consciousness system. But that would be a point of desire. Therefore I stop wanting to stop the mind consciousness system. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the desire of stopping the mind consciousness system. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to stop the mind if I forgave wanting to stop the mind. I am actually, within forgiving myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire stopping the mind, I am stoping the mind. Isn’t that funny. Humor, I recently thought, should be done in simplicity. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that humor should be done in simplicity. Humor simply arises as self-expression which occurs in self-honesty and self-honesty is applied in moments when I am silent within me, my inner reality. I have not done self-forgiveness as how I have done here, for believing in the confirmation of my intuition. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that within accepting and allowing myself to limit myself to requiring the confirmation of my intuition I imply a statement where I do not trust myself to lose myself and find myself again. In other words there is fear of messing up and wasting time. There is a physical unconscious fear which has manifested as a relationship to this intuition of the physical. I hear knocking and feel pain in my body. They are not natural and have a life of their own. I was always wondering about these intuitions. They even lead to me desteni is some sense. Though I know they are either the physical itself or the interdimensional or physical demons. I know they are here to fuck with me and to test me. Well, here I stand as unconditional forgiveness. I take absolute self-responsibility for this reality. I am one and equal to this entire reality. All life is me one and equal. I am also one and equal to my experience. There is no more running from the truth, I am here. Who am I? I am myself, here.
Self-forgiveness is the key. What was written here should be enough proof for you to know. So Have At It Then.
Within deciding things such as what am I going to do now, or what would be good for me to do, I see that there exist a dependence on my intuition. Cause I am addressing my intuition when I ask this question to myself. There is then a silence, very short, then I usually have a thought. THIS PROVES (lol caps by accs) that all intuition is bullshit, at least the one I use. Because it really is the mind. Within Desteni courses there is the SRA course which teaches muscle communication. In no way is this an example of intuition but is direct communication with clear results once one has practiced and proved this and thus built self-trust within asking specific questions within looking for specific answers. So stop depending on things. I would even say not to depend on yourself. Why is there need of dependence when one is directing Self?
Do you depend on food? Yes. Can you direct yourself as food? NO. Lol. So you can direct yourself in eating which you depend since you can’t provide that to yourself.(yet, if humans ever learn to stop eating as one, (but this is no longer eating)) The very idea of eating is dependence, you or I can’t escape that. So if you eat you depend on someone else, who you are eating.  
            Then the question is what does Self consists in? One and equal, all of existence is Self. So there is no real dependence in the sense of enslavement which is the very nature of the mind consciousness system since all of existence is Self supporting Self one and Equal. There are some interesting articles on food as support for life. Carrots, for example, support the stabilization of self here for self to remain more easily. Remember food is one and equal to you as life. It is here to assist and support you as equals as life to bring about a new world, the world that should have been long ago but never did due to our acceptance and allowance of our programming. We are here to rectify this. We stand as life as all as one and as equals. For further support visit the website. The articles I mentioned are found there, among with many others on a range of topics. Use the search bar and search food. Enjoy!
I admire Ann. The one from Desteni. I know this is a form of enslavement so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enslave myself to another through admiration of the person. This is not the same as respect. I could respect a person for what they walked and shared and their standing as a person in process. There could only be respect for a person’s standing of equality and walking as equality and sharing as equality. These are very clear to see given one has shared oneself online. Depending on how long one stands one can start to trust such a person in further standing and walking. That’s cool. Real trust can start to emerge. In an agreement its something else entirely. But I have yet to experienced it. What I have seen from June and Leon is that agreements are really effective. What I have observed is that it is in no way easy, there will be lots of resistance, because for once they physical will be experienced without love-dubby feelings. There will be no hiding the truth. Lol. The naked truth. But its true, its about exposing self and self’s constructs, thoughts, judgments. And im sure its freeing and intimacy must surely be experienced.
 So I have this construct which ill call the preaching/teaching construct which I preach/teach the truth/my truth. When your having someone that’s is talking about the truth or truth, that’s a red flag. There is no truth. Doing what is best for all is not a truth, its simply a principle one lives. Since this is our principle, there can be no truth. There are perspectives but no truth. This should be sufficient enough to prove my point, (an expression). By the fact that my expression is claiming a truth shows our language is built on having opinions, beliefs, and answers. But these things do not do what is best for all. They are not a principle of do what is best for all life. We could say that the answer to all the world problems is living what is best for all in any given moment. But is that really an answer. Is there a question, what answer would serve the question “how do we bring about world peace?” and the answer is knowing the factual information do what is best for all life. Is that a truth? Is that a living reality in this world? No its not. That proves there are no truths; there are no answers for such a question as something that resembles truth.
Here’s a really good example of preaching/teaching the truth/my truth:
Its certainly important to be acquainted with forgiveness and at least know roughly how to apply effectively. Its best to know already how to always apply self-forgiveness but this knowing is easy in the sense that’s its simply pushing. Is pushing easy? Its simple. Lol. Its probably easier when one has good relationship with one’s breath.
As what can clearly be seen it is full of speculation. Its also based on knowledge as a timeline of events. Consider: first you need to know self-forgiveness OH and also apply it effectively. Also, there is no real support provided here as a living example as an expression through writing that demonstrates one’s own introspection. Enjoy!
So I was scratching my face, my nose and chin in particular. I was scratching a pimple on my chin on the right side of my face and the right nostril too. I was not aware I was doing this because I was thinking about something. I then considered that me not being aware of what I was doing is a sign of me not living here. There exist the fear of losing myself, which when I was writing this I was accidently almost writing love (wrote lov). So love, you also lose yourself in love. You fall in love meaning you lose yourself. Strangly enough, whenever I considered someone worthy of my falling in love, I fell hard in love or in my crush.
I finished the discussion in my head due to needing to go eat.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Sad, cause its true

          Imagine there is a farmer who grows crops. He uses a certain mixture of manure for fertilizer. Now imagine another farmer who also fertilizer but it is made how his parents taught him. This mixture makes his tomatoes grow juicy and delicious. This farmer will sell his tomatoes and make more money than the first farmer. The first farmer can't compete and must lower his prices. In today's society we see nothing wrong with this picture. Though there actually is something very wrong indeed. Society would be better off if the rich farmer would share his family secret. Every tomato would be juicy and delicious, not just a few expensive ones. Secrets should not be rewarded, but sharing should.
          Today, we live in a society of secrets. Secret societies, secret off-shore bank accounts, secretly sleeping with so-and-so, You name it! It should have been obvious to you that secrets are a sign of a dysfunctional-suicidal society. Its a sign of a dysfunctional You! Step-up and be honest. Have you used secrets to justify harmful acts? Secrets are no more good than lying. Think about it. If someone starts asking around your secret you're prepared to lie and do lie to protect your secret. Do you see where im going with this? Stop secrets, stop lying. If you don't agree with me, its because you can't see anything. You're too scared. What's there to be scared of, its only yourself. You can once speak freely without getting fussed up about your thoughts. Worrying if they know, what they would say. Life isn't worth living in that case. The whole point of life is to be intimate with you. Do you know yourself? Do you know what u r doing to yourself? Do you even have power?
Sad, cause its true.  

Saturday, April 30, 2011

Education today

Well currently im enrolled in a liberal arts college in the North West of United States. Its a small college, 1300 students, and its very academic. Everything taught here is thought to be for ONE's desire to become EDUCATED, (Whatever that means). Its true, love of learning is part of the identity of the college. However, its a lie. People just love their egos. By being independently thrown to the lions we are expected to learn to teach ourselves. That's the idea. The problem is everyone is not from an equal starting point. I, was great at math at poor at writing. Nothing has changed. I think Reed college is unreal. Who i am was the same as when i entered. Whatever change was self-change. In me stopping my personality. There is no secret or special knowledge. There are just classes.
I mean... shouldn't we be going to college to learn information and how to apply it? I don't consider what i learn valuable, and when i see those who are revered the best, i see nothing either. We are in quite a little fuckup, arent we? I suppose what matters is that the teachers see them as the best and me a loser. So, i know i can be that, since i was that in high school, but i was just so sick and tired of it!!! But a see a reason. Life. For life. I study for life so that one day life will be free from... everything, teacher students, money, hate, love, freedom, joy, sadness, revenge, hope, hate, anger, pessimism, knowledge, logic, rationality, clouds, etc... Life defined as one thing, is enslaved. We are all life.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Where are we?

Ok, so. ...When i first watched a video by desteni ... I was Whoa! What? Is what they(beings interviewed) are saying make sense? For example in this Yogananda interview,... it made an impression on me. One and equal... what does that mean? Why was he claiming that was "the solution", as how i took it. of course i realize it is not a solution but what this existence is based on. The solution you could say, is to be one and equal with, as the video said, "expression, how they live, how they take responsibility for themselves and how they speak." I could spend some time decoding this. But i won't, not yet.
         Never take anything as just knowledge. It needs to be lived, especially, ok. I found the Desteni material. I made the mistake of just "believing in," so to speak, the material instead of using it. All knowledge, all information, goes through the physical processes systems, however they affect you. Just like the language you know, affects you. So the idea of the desteni material is to end all suffering and all abuse. Through ending your abuse of yourself, your suffering, you are able to stand for all life and make a realization that you are life, in fact, and physical, which is tough for most people to swallow.
So money is energy... It fuels you. or is it food? which one? And the erth? You are a physical being. However you neglect to see the blantant naked truth. You haven't existed. Not yet anyway.If you exist, why haven't you done anything to end abuse? Why are you afraid? Why do you accept and allow youself to abuse youself through thoughts? "She probably hates me" "Im alone" "i have no friends" "i just want to love" And accept and allow excuses and justifications? "everyone is unconscious" "I can do it later" "they all hate me" "they deserve it" "its too late" And deny any responsibility? "its the sugar...cigarettes" "why does everything happen to me!" "its not fair!" "i pray!" "karma?". We are all responsible 'together' for this one world. 
I stand within my physical body, as life, and will walk with life to make sure we stand one and equal as ourselves as life. That is my commitment 

Friday, April 22, 2011

To you and you and you

Okay, you can see yourself as existence, one and equal, and then apply self forgiveness. If you apply self-forgiveness and are doubting, DONT! Just do it anyway.
Self-forgiveness is an act of changing yourself, so see how it practically is lived, for real, meaning physically. Whether it be stopping a reaction by breathing here in a 4-count breath or physically moving yourself to walk the self-correction. This process of forgiving yourself and living your words is an example of Self-honesty.
The law of attraction is a way to justify desiring beliefs, money, and relationships without considering how this affects others. Money is power, therefore you want more power than others have. Relationships=sex, therefore you want sex, for yourself and you're looking for someone who wants the same thing. This 'for yourself' is to reach orgasmic state in order to not have to face SELF here. If you were to FACE self, you would be ashamed. Thats why there is a drive, 'energy', to distra....

So something happened yesterday that reflected this. I feel hesitant about talking about this. I saw how fucked up humanity is. I saw how fucked up i was. I totally understood where we're at. We are in total complete delusional shit. We literally don't exist, at all; not as life, not as anything real. I can see how it can be the case where you can literally be erased from existence when you die. There is no one there, literally. Just the physical with a pre-programmed mind trying to manifest itself.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Well, today i faced the point of Self-forgiveness, just now actually

I realized that i wasn't yet living my Self-forgiveness honestly. Meaning that there wasn't an immediate self-statement of change. With that realization i moved myself to breath. I then picked a single point. I received confirmation of the effectiveness of my words through the sound of them.

Ok, now to walk through Self-forgiveness.

When i was in the cafeteria, i was sitting with ben and i was having thoughts with pictures running through my vision. They were things we could talk about. I discarded many of them seeing them as irrelevant. Though right now as i was searching for a single to point to apply self-forgiveness on, i saw this point as an obvious self-deception and trying to avoid this moment here. Ok, so i forgive myself for staying in my head and not living here as myself as breath for real. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my denial self as breath, as self expression even, by attemtping to run-away from here myself as life. I forgive myself for not being honest when seeing that i was participating within and as pictures and images of memories and imagination. I self-correct me by living here as myself as self-expression within and as breath. 

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Reality & Mind's breath

I don't know what to write about. How about everything? Everything real or seen from the starting point of reality. So do you know whats real? Its the physical. When you're living in your body and breathing with and as the physical you are real. You are you, for real, here. Most humans, however do not breathe with and as the physical.

Here's one point i discovered about my mind's breath. When making a mistake, i tend to leave my body and cause a short and sharp intake of air. My abs tighten. Its forceful. And it supports separation from the breath. So i forgive myself for being upset from making a mistake. I forgive myself for trying to manifest perfection by 'being upset from errors' = 'using emotional and energetic measures to condition MYSELF'. I rather live ME HERE, within and as breath, with and as the physical.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Homework and so on...

I have a reaction to writing about having a reaction to doing my homework. Work seems like a major point. Ok, I always did work for some purposes. My mom would tell me to do everything for God. When I enjoyed my school work it was from a superiority complex. Meaning I believed it was the right thing to study quietly in class, not be disruptive and like to learn for its own sake. However I liked it because of ENERGY. I would feel so awesome when getting an AAAAA. I felt I was in the RIGHT. Righteous. In high school I was ingrained to work for college too. Where that was the end goal, even. When I first got here I was so happy, I made great friends, had even, what I always asked for, have someone like ME.

Ok, story time. When in elementary school I didn’t really care about grades. However I did really great in math and I liked it well I excelled in that. In middle school I loved being better than the entire class in math. I also really didn’t fit in. Who I was as a personality didn’t fit well with the kids. I was more mature in a sense. My viewpoint of the world was more critical. I felt that everyone should be different, they weren’t acting right. They weren’t respectful and behaved rowdy and loud when the teacher was distracted. I loved my teacher in 2nd grade. I could see how I hated how the students acted when it was against the teacher. I didn’t consider the students and teacher as one and equal. I didn’t see them all as life one and equal. There were certain energetic relationships.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to care about grades as to form a part of ME. Instead of self-expression. I forgive myself for likeing math not as a self-expression. I forgive myself for judging me so as to believe Im unhappy. I forgive myself for not standing up as all as one and equal.

Thursday, April 7, 2011


Today i was discovering what it means to play music. So i was exploring the sounds on the piano. I discovered how the white and keys and black keys differ. If you have never tried this, the black keys when played sound similar to the Asian notes in music. If your studied music here in the western culture, the c scale is the scale that starts a C and plays until the next C. One misconception i had for a while was that the black keys were sharps or have a sound that is fundamentally weird. They are simply spaced differently. You could even play the "Asian scale" on the white keys, and vice verse. Its all based on intervals, there is a great program that ive been working with. His the intro video.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


Today a faced a point regarding, friendship i had with someone. It came up with a memory of her, and the memory came from a book i was reading. Their was a feeling of warmth. I forgive myself for defining friendship as looking for that someone who you can trust and tell your secrets, which implies you are distrustful of everyone and are secretive. I forgive myself for not allowing myself to be here, open to everything that is here moment to moment. There is nothing wrong with friendship that is actually lived and practically applied within what is best for all and considers all and is inclusive. It is how friendship is currently exists in this world that troubles me. We are being EXCLUSIVE in order to create separation in order to create an energetic experience within as as our mind consciousness system. We need to stop and start getting real. We are not mind consciousness systems, we are life. We know the pain of exclusion. Its common sense. So start apply yourselves humans. It all starts HERE.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

My experience within & as the application of BREATH with Self-forgiveness

Ok, so i recently applied the 4 count breath rather effectively and thoroughly. There are five points i would like to discuss. The first off is a simple one. Breathing while sitting. Now, according to advice provided by the portal and Bernard, we inhale with a 4-count beat. Meaning even steps 1, 2, 3, 4 PAUSE 1, 2, 3, 4. Exhale, 1, 2, etc... We continue this beat, checking what exists here within ourselves, at the pauses, and also to breathe as our whole self. Herein we can apply self-forgiveness more effectively. Because the mind cannot exist within breath for long. Ok, time for a story.
        The point of the story was that i was scared or in other words i reacted to a thought. I breathed through the reaction. Consistently trying to bring myself here, or rather i should say i was insistent that i remain here. So i eventually faced the actual situation of the thought and "walked" through it. I moved me. I also forgave myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the thought of going in my underwear to a underwear party. Funny but true. It was intense reactions, my heart was going going going. But i stopped. I stilled had some after effects, as you would expect from a heart pumping and activating your adrenaline, so to speak. But, i repeat, i stopped the reaction and all that was left was the body slowing down, which takes time for it to relax. You can thinking it like running a mile and stopping but still have a heart thats racing, but you know the only stopping is stopping. Just Breathe and be here, to take direction of yourself.
I wanted to write this for others.

Monday, April 4, 2011


This is an excerpt of my Back Chat Diary:
 When I was younger I noticed how my hair was similar to that of a few actors in movies and tv shows. I figured also that my hair looked good. How? I have a strong emotional attchment to my hair. Some time during elementary school I accidentely got my hair cut short. My dad told the barber how to cut my hair and I did not speak out but stayed silent in anguish and emotions while he cut my hair short. I had long hair before I could remember. I remember liking my hair a lot, thinking it to be the best part of me. I had a mushroom style hair cut, and I remember my dad comparing me to the beatles. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to like my hair because others like me for it. [instead of self-expressing myself with and as my hair] [I stop using hair as an excuse to not stand up for what I believe in, which is life,  and apply myself here as breath within and as oneness and equality]

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

This is for others to know where I am coming from.

Before the summer of 2009 I was determined to become an enlightened being. I would meditate extensively and try to stop my ego. What resulted from a very intense period of meditation in the spring was intense conflict. I had many unusual experiences leading up to and during this time. For one thing i started manifesting an intuition, a physical one. It has been supporting me for some time now. It started in 2008. How it came about is pretty funny now that i remember it.  I went to a healing session with a woman who sees angels. She had some music playing with the lights dimmed low and i was laying down. She said i was really concerned about my family in a protective sense, and that a had blocked up feeling within me, one of justice. She also said i had like a "net" over my heart. All this made sense with my life, though i was not astounded. Now comes the freaky part, she started healing me and said that I had a tall angel and three old men dressed well. That's not the freaky part. She asked whether i would give them permission to be part of my life, to help. That they needed my permission. At some point i heard a whooshing sound, exactly like a singing bowl. It was really loud so i had an impression that i only could hear it, conjoined with feeling my "chakra" opening.

Before continuing, i want to go back to why chose that path, why I thought I needed to. My parents taught me to meditate. For a while, every Sunday, we would sit and they would guide us. Sometimes we listened to a tape recording of Eckhart Tolle and other times they would play music. I used meditation to runaway, by using it to deal with problems. Basically my world sucked. I didn't fit well in this world, with the people in it. The times i was most happy was with people. Mainly because i was deprived of them, i figured. So i had a few key friends. Some left. Others stayed longer. I was content having them around. I think the main problem was that i wanted everyone to like me, or want me, or to be popular. This is really complicated shit. I enjoyed having everyone's attention, but how i was also staged fright, so to speak. I remember feeling good when they were friendly to me.  I never took responsibility for what i was. I was quiet, judgmental, shallow, scared, afraid, annoying, and wanting to be more than others. I had a very strong desire to beat a video game and watch tv programs. School was complicated, some years I

This was all according to terminology i received from Eckhart Tolle which my parents introduced m

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Today/this morning

I posted a review of the equal money website. In the hopes of spreading the word of equal money. It was recieved with negative reaction. I know these two people. And I also know they have a hard headed opinions. I do not expect them to understand me. I don't care unless they say something that makes me care. Where equal money will hurt more lives than it helps, or it hurts hard-working people. Or hurts people actually. Where it actually hurts people and in a way that is not considering what is best for all. Who would equal money affect? find out by reading the Damn material (to all those who have no clue). The book comes out, and im interested on how far we have gotten. Im hoping to be able to provide as much support i can.

If someone says equal money is not possible, then they are dead wrong. If someone says currently not everyone agrees with equal money, i would say that they have not heard of it and have not had to chance to understand what it would mean. If someone comes to me with historical information of an equal money system i would analyze it and see how relevant it is. As far as i know, what lenin did, Soviet union, China, Cuba, others... were to create an unequal system. I have never heard of a practical solution of an idealized society. The society of equal money may not fit your definition of 'ideal' when you know what it entails, unless your 'ideal' is the beast possible solution that does what's best for everyone (inclusive). Equal access to food, shelter, education on the most supportive level.
I forgive myself for trying to justify myself's beliefs, opinions, solutions by writing down replies to argumentitive points written against me. Instead of applying myself here as the physical as breath within oneness and equality of all life. I will not acept and allow the excuse of needing to argue to prove my point which creates energy which supports the mind consciousness system. I forgive myself for needing to argueing meaning needing to create energy. Instead i stop me here, i breath, and remain in breath, practically applied.

Monday, March 21, 2011

i want to write out wtf is going on within me. Im so angry at K. I know a part of me wants to forget her. Do i feel guilty about how things transpired?
. Yes. I feel something. I feel like everything went wrong. But this is just emotions. What really did happen? Lack of self. How do i consider all as life as one and equal as myself as Kaatje? Breath. Do whats best. It does not exist anymore. Life is real. Life is physical. I should, as life show her who i am, the words i speak/live. I owe that since i am life.  Monday march21 2011

When I breath I bring myself together as one in the moment as I breath.
Emotions are crappy.
Emotians are distractions. Are a force. They depend on your will.
It is crappy also. I have defined friendship according to being a certain way. Friendly, open, trustworthy,
So I won’t do that anymore.
This is hard for me to discuss.
It had been such a motivation, force of, reason for living.
I want to direct myself in the moment as breath.  I won’t have a definition limiting my actions my relations to the world.  
I just need to jump in. Live in such a way so that I will be able to trust myself. Consistency…

Battling as wresting energetically
Letting others speak—bullshit idea

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Metal poison, itchy sheets and itchy hips.

Okay so basically this morning I woke up at 6:30 terribly. I was itchy in my bed. It was due either to the contact of the sheets or the heat produced. Im thinking for now that it was due to laying in my bed last night with my jeans ive been using for over a week. Germs must have passed from the contact. Also, my hips and butt have been itchy for a few days. It must be from the same pants! Another thing last night i was thirsty so i went to get some water with a metal mug i have. I woke up thirsty again and drank again. This morning i feel horrible from the inside. Almost as if im getting sick, i mean really physically. My head feels nauseated. The mug was a free present from the library from last year. It must be really crappy. I think its scratched and is causing me to be sick from metal poisoning. Another reason why i think so is that my eyes and throat feel dry as if i did not have enough water. As if my body is actually needing to deal with the water i drank. Im not sure how to dispose of the mug since it seems to be almost purely metal, i would feel bad for throwing it in the trash. Any suggestions?
I think ive got the rest covered.

Saturday, March 5, 2011


Last night i went to a dance party in the SU (Student union). It was nice. I had the experience of dancing to a music that just seemed rather funny. I said to myself, "sure..." I went along.

Later on i came back to the party and the music was a bit different. When I danced this time i wanted to just forget my mind my inhibition my second-guessing. So i had fun. It was relaxing, meditative chill.

I won't neglect my commitment to rooting out the mind in the moment. Still dancing could as supportive as "Sex" or "baths" "yoga"...