Saturday, March 30, 2013

Looking closer (losing)


"When I would come home from school everyday, I would have two hours of free time to relax. My mom supported me to have this free time and would say this is your time to relax from school and perhaps eat a snack.' (I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my mom for providing the conditions with which I could have some free time to relax. I notice now, why I am forgive myself for what my mom did, there was nothing to forgive here. Instead I notice I am judging myself as bad for having a comfortable life and having opportunity and chance to grow and succeed. Within reading these words I am believing/fearing I am a liar. When I did have a comfortable life, and plenty of opportunity and chance to grow and succeed. There is nothing bad or wrong with growing and succeeding and using the opportunities you have available to you, even when others don’t have it, it doesn’t mean not accepting the opportunity will help them, in fact accepting the opportunity will empower me to help them more than if I did not accept it. Within this last sentence, I feared not really supporting them, or going to support them, that I am really selfish underneath it all. I feel if I say I am selfish, this is what I will live. I am selfish. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow myself to be selfish. Now I am looking at how I still need to care for me and have regard for me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not care for me and love me for real by being committed to myself through and through, no matter what situation I am in.) (I  feel tired now, and have a pressure in my head. I am evil, I am selfish. I choose to no longer fear being evil or selfish because if I am evil and selfish, I can just forgive myself for being evil and selfish- simple. While writing the highlighted portion, I felt a pain in my left forearm, I thought  I am accepting and allowing abuse, for myself to be selfish and evil, I am accepting and allowing selfishness and evil. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing selfishness and evil. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not care for all as one and equal. There is no point in listening to a thought. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to my thoughts. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my thoughts to define who I am. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this world to define who I am. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing anyone to define who I am. I define me, always. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing pains to direct me, as if there are trustworthy and have inside information into who I am, while all the while I am accepting and allowing thought, pictures, feeling and emotions to define who I am. Why did I do this? Why? I thought I wasn’t good enough. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am not good enough. II thought I am really evil. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am really evil. I feared that another thought I was evil. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing someone/anyone. I stand up now to assist and support myself and life as myself, even if that means I may lose people along the way.