Wednesday, March 30, 2011

This is for others to know where I am coming from.

Before the summer of 2009 I was determined to become an enlightened being. I would meditate extensively and try to stop my ego. What resulted from a very intense period of meditation in the spring was intense conflict. I had many unusual experiences leading up to and during this time. For one thing i started manifesting an intuition, a physical one. It has been supporting me for some time now. It started in 2008. How it came about is pretty funny now that i remember it.  I went to a healing session with a woman who sees angels. She had some music playing with the lights dimmed low and i was laying down. She said i was really concerned about my family in a protective sense, and that a had blocked up feeling within me, one of justice. She also said i had like a "net" over my heart. All this made sense with my life, though i was not astounded. Now comes the freaky part, she started healing me and said that I had a tall angel and three old men dressed well. That's not the freaky part. She asked whether i would give them permission to be part of my life, to help. That they needed my permission. At some point i heard a whooshing sound, exactly like a singing bowl. It was really loud so i had an impression that i only could hear it, conjoined with feeling my "chakra" opening.

Before continuing, i want to go back to why chose that path, why I thought I needed to. My parents taught me to meditate. For a while, every Sunday, we would sit and they would guide us. Sometimes we listened to a tape recording of Eckhart Tolle and other times they would play music. I used meditation to runaway, by using it to deal with problems. Basically my world sucked. I didn't fit well in this world, with the people in it. The times i was most happy was with people. Mainly because i was deprived of them, i figured. So i had a few key friends. Some left. Others stayed longer. I was content having them around. I think the main problem was that i wanted everyone to like me, or want me, or to be popular. This is really complicated shit. I enjoyed having everyone's attention, but how i was also staged fright, so to speak. I remember feeling good when they were friendly to me.  I never took responsibility for what i was. I was quiet, judgmental, shallow, scared, afraid, annoying, and wanting to be more than others. I had a very strong desire to beat a video game and watch tv programs. School was complicated, some years I

This was all according to terminology i received from Eckhart Tolle which my parents introduced m

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Today/this morning

I posted a review of the equal money website. In the hopes of spreading the word of equal money. It was recieved with negative reaction. I know these two people. And I also know they have a hard headed opinions. I do not expect them to understand me. I don't care unless they say something that makes me care. Where equal money will hurt more lives than it helps, or it hurts hard-working people. Or hurts people actually. Where it actually hurts people and in a way that is not considering what is best for all. Who would equal money affect? find out by reading the Damn material (to all those who have no clue). The book comes out, and im interested on how far we have gotten. Im hoping to be able to provide as much support i can.

If someone says equal money is not possible, then they are dead wrong. If someone says currently not everyone agrees with equal money, i would say that they have not heard of it and have not had to chance to understand what it would mean. If someone comes to me with historical information of an equal money system i would analyze it and see how relevant it is. As far as i know, what lenin did, Soviet union, China, Cuba, others... were to create an unequal system. I have never heard of a practical solution of an idealized society. The society of equal money may not fit your definition of 'ideal' when you know what it entails, unless your 'ideal' is the beast possible solution that does what's best for everyone (inclusive). Equal access to food, shelter, education on the most supportive level.
I forgive myself for trying to justify myself's beliefs, opinions, solutions by writing down replies to argumentitive points written against me. Instead of applying myself here as the physical as breath within oneness and equality of all life. I will not acept and allow the excuse of needing to argue to prove my point which creates energy which supports the mind consciousness system. I forgive myself for needing to argueing meaning needing to create energy. Instead i stop me here, i breath, and remain in breath, practically applied.

Monday, March 21, 2011

i want to write out wtf is going on within me. Im so angry at K. I know a part of me wants to forget her. Do i feel guilty about how things transpired?
. Yes. I feel something. I feel like everything went wrong. But this is just emotions. What really did happen? Lack of self. How do i consider all as life as one and equal as myself as Kaatje? Breath. Do whats best. It does not exist anymore. Life is real. Life is physical. I should, as life show her who i am, the words i speak/live. I owe that since i am life.  Monday march21 2011

When I breath I bring myself together as one in the moment as I breath.
Emotions are crappy.
Emotians are distractions. Are a force. They depend on your will.
It is crappy also. I have defined friendship according to being a certain way. Friendly, open, trustworthy,
So I won’t do that anymore.
This is hard for me to discuss.
It had been such a motivation, force of, reason for living.
I want to direct myself in the moment as breath.  I won’t have a definition limiting my actions my relations to the world.  
I just need to jump in. Live in such a way so that I will be able to trust myself. Consistency…

Battling as wresting energetically
Letting others speak—bullshit idea

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Metal poison, itchy sheets and itchy hips.

Okay so basically this morning I woke up at 6:30 terribly. I was itchy in my bed. It was due either to the contact of the sheets or the heat produced. Im thinking for now that it was due to laying in my bed last night with my jeans ive been using for over a week. Germs must have passed from the contact. Also, my hips and butt have been itchy for a few days. It must be from the same pants! Another thing last night i was thirsty so i went to get some water with a metal mug i have. I woke up thirsty again and drank again. This morning i feel horrible from the inside. Almost as if im getting sick, i mean really physically. My head feels nauseated. The mug was a free present from the library from last year. It must be really crappy. I think its scratched and is causing me to be sick from metal poisoning. Another reason why i think so is that my eyes and throat feel dry as if i did not have enough water. As if my body is actually needing to deal with the water i drank. Im not sure how to dispose of the mug since it seems to be almost purely metal, i would feel bad for throwing it in the trash. Any suggestions?
I think ive got the rest covered.

Saturday, March 5, 2011


Last night i went to a dance party in the SU (Student union). It was nice. I had the experience of dancing to a music that just seemed rather funny. I said to myself, "sure..." I went along.

Later on i came back to the party and the music was a bit different. When I danced this time i wanted to just forget my mind my inhibition my second-guessing. So i had fun. It was relaxing, meditative chill.

I won't neglect my commitment to rooting out the mind in the moment. Still dancing could as supportive as "Sex" or "baths" "yoga"...