Saturday, April 9, 2011

Homework and so on...

I have a reaction to writing about having a reaction to doing my homework. Work seems like a major point. Ok, I always did work for some purposes. My mom would tell me to do everything for God. When I enjoyed my school work it was from a superiority complex. Meaning I believed it was the right thing to study quietly in class, not be disruptive and like to learn for its own sake. However I liked it because of ENERGY. I would feel so awesome when getting an AAAAA. I felt I was in the RIGHT. Righteous. In high school I was ingrained to work for college too. Where that was the end goal, even. When I first got here I was so happy, I made great friends, had even, what I always asked for, have someone like ME.

Ok, story time. When in elementary school I didn’t really care about grades. However I did really great in math and I liked it well I excelled in that. In middle school I loved being better than the entire class in math. I also really didn’t fit in. Who I was as a personality didn’t fit well with the kids. I was more mature in a sense. My viewpoint of the world was more critical. I felt that everyone should be different, they weren’t acting right. They weren’t respectful and behaved rowdy and loud when the teacher was distracted. I loved my teacher in 2nd grade. I could see how I hated how the students acted when it was against the teacher. I didn’t consider the students and teacher as one and equal. I didn’t see them all as life one and equal. There were certain energetic relationships.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to care about grades as to form a part of ME. Instead of self-expression. I forgive myself for likeing math not as a self-expression. I forgive myself for judging me so as to believe Im unhappy. I forgive myself for not standing up as all as one and equal.

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