Friday, May 27, 2011

I write on the beginning of my day then I digress into behavioral psychology and speak on some school where teachers are a thing of the past. I also face self-doubt

               So im gonna write this despite of having some resistance in the form of having the excuse that no major points came up today and today was a nice day. I woke up hearing my mom and brother working on something. After hearing them talk about some work they are working on I had a feeling/reaction of not wanting to get out of bed. I was afraid of them getting me to work. Within my family our mom constantly ask us to work. Its not that she constantly ask us to work, which is actually rarely, but rather when she asks us she does so in a nagging/constant way where she keeps poking us looking for a response. Normally when she asks us to work we freeze and resist. Here is this experience of freezing and not wanting to work, which arises. First there is a freezing and then arises a feeling of not wanting to work which possesses me. I can speak for myself but from observation my brother and sister something similar occurs, though my brother is more readily wanting to help carrying grocieries for example of mowing the lawn. My mom said that when I left for college my brother was more willing to help my mother inhis way. He is still quiet about responding and actually enjoy my mother asking him, which is seen when he smiles in saying STOP, or in his words saying he does not like to help, yet he smiles when saying this. I realize this smiling comes from my mom’s sweet natured manner which is annoying.
            So this morning I decided to walk out to the bathroom and get ready, telling myself I do not have to help them work. I also know that there is no free choice, there is just who you are acting in an environment being who you are. Anyway, I breathed through my fear and woke up. I focused a bit on food, I had some thoughts on minecraft, which I did not self-forgive for. Let me do this now. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have thoughts on minecraft. I also had some thoughts which were dream related. In the morning when I wake having been dreaming I am very much mind based/ picture based, and not applying myself here fully as breath. Today I did apply breath affectively when helping my grandmother with manual labor. So when I got out of the bathroom my cousin was there and my mom and brother were upstairs doing something. When I was sitting on the toilet I saw that there was water dripping from the ceiling in the corner by the door. I realized this may be from the AC. I had also seen some water drip the nite before but had not thought much of it since it was so little. I went upstairs and I realized that they were working on the Ac, my mom was talking with my dad about it. I had one time helped my dad clean the AC pipe. Its this PC pipe that can get clogged, so what you do is pour chlorine inside which unclogs it. That’s what they were doing and I had glanced at the chlorine. I told my mom and brother (mostly addressing my mom) about there was water dripping in the bathroom. My brother responded with: We’re one step ahead of you. It was said in my brother’s tone that, Oh really? Guess what, we’re one step ahead of you. Me and my brother has always been competitive. Bu that’s a bigger story. So one small point within what just happened is that I have this mom calling. (mom call like bird call) Where I say MAE! Or Mom. It does not have to be so obvious. When I was saying, mae? There is water dripping In the bathroom. This questioning and explicit searching for my mom to tell her the information that I have for her so that she can do something about it is something very habitual and ingrained in me. Fortunately I can say: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to direct all concerns regarding physical problems in the house to my mom, where in my head I figure my mom is most capable to handle this because she is mom, not because she is in fact most capable. I will also just say I will incorporate all my fingers when typing in order to learn how to use them in order to not place so much stress on my two index fingers and perhaps eventually type faster.
              I am very happy that there is a school where all the kids learn everything on there own. That just goes to show that humans are amazing when placed in an environment where to have equal access to everything and generally well supported. Through studies and experience many great thinkers such as Albert Einstein and others have realized the evil of capitalism and the effects of meat on the body. It is really basic commonsense but commonsense is only accessible when one is not emotional or feeling or thinking. It has to be Self Here. It is true that this school does not promote such commonsense and hopes the kids just gets it own they’re own. And perhaps they do? What are the chances they end their own pre-programmed minds? I would say they were better off than kids in public schools. For one, I am responsible for me. Only I am capable of that. I baby I would say is also self-responsible. They are just unable to walk, eat on there own, but still no matter what, Self- is always self-responsible. The school is a democratic school, which seems great. Equal money has to be placed according to democracy and do what is best for all. The rules in the school are all subject to change and kids have all the power but it is all one man/woman one vote. Which is awesome really. In the farm, I have not visited but im guessing all rules are enforced based on the perspective what is best for all. Whether this can be discussed can only be done so from what is most practical also I left out most effective. I considered for a moment where can I leave my dished here for later to wash. I can see it is most effective to wash in the moment whenever possible, otherwise one may forget. The only argument is if one wants to practice remembering to do something. Well, it seems that energy is used to want to forget and the best way to deal with it is simply ending it through breathing and directing oneself according to what is best for all. The kids of the school I was mentioning are obviously affected outside of school by TV for example also perhaps drugs and alcohol. This does not seem prevalent, but who am I to say? Obviously the first few years of a child are important and younger kids are better to adjust to a democratic school with no teachers. Is real joy enough for a kid to avoid Tv, drugs, alcohol and stick with real people in the real world?
                I started talking about this school because I was stating I will type with all my fingers in order to be more effective typer. I felt confident in me as a human at seeing what other fellow humans have accomplished with no classrooms or teachers. Having an education without teachers is itself invaluable, because it teaches self-independence. I have always felt dependent on the system, to the point of being hopeless by myself learning. I feel that desire for learning or finding interesting things to learn has been squashed out of me. I enjoyed school because I enjoyed being the best, or being better than another. I enjoyed the competition and being easily better than others. My brother is like that too. The same feeling is for online gaming where one does win explicitly.
            Should education be based on the same mentality as sports/ online games? This is what the money system is based on. Winning. Even online addictive games are about winning by finishing the game. Behavioral psychology was really Big. At one time entire psychology departments were filled with only behavioral psychologists (at universities). I have a really good hunch that what they found completely describes what teachers were taught and the entire education system as we know it today. The Main idea is positive reinforcement. Kids when they do well are positively re-enforced (this is basically a science) This has been experimentally tested with rats and pellets. There are even books on it for training dogs. Funny story, I professor of behavior psychology was re-enforced by his students to teach standing in the left side of the chalkboard with his hands in the air. The reward was nodding and smiling or grunts. This was done without him realizing. This just goes to show how programmed we are. One of my first youtube vids was on this, and behavioral psychology, Its titled Rats in a cage. So the downside with this is how does this fair with a roomful of students where a teacher cannot possibly have enough time to speak and positively reinforce each and every single one of the twenty or so students. Also the students are positively reinforcing themselves when they see they have done better than another and feel proud as if answering a question the teacher raised and being the first to answer!.  It complete competition bullshit. I see this clearly and saw this long ago. I am one vote for an education system based on what is best for all. A child having access to peers, as equals, and practical self-supportive information. Novels can be self-supporting. Peers are great teachers. What is best for all is also experiencing self-support, and self-responsibility. In an equal money system once one have a taste for this as a child, you can’t imagine humans ever did it another way. No more Hitlers in the classroom. Teachers are equal to what they do as what is best for all. Students too. We the adults will have to be the first ones to do what is best for all.
              Do kids naturally do what I best for all? No they are robots too. They experience life but they also experience energy and emotions and feelings. With a proper vocabulary to no longer support energy and differentiate a real experience versus a mental one will have tremendous support for children. But language is typically learned starting immediately after birth. So the parents and other speakers in the child’s environment will have tremendous influence. Obviously those who have walked the path of facing the mind would have the proper perspective and vocabulary that would support children’s first years. Are children and Adults equals? No anyone, including any adult, is equal to themselves as how they stand for life. If both people stand for life they are equal in they’re standing, assuming they sincerely and completely standing for life. But one person could stand as life, then they are not equal anymore. This world is really fucked-up and complicated.
                    I doubt myself constantly whether I am actually standing for and as life and whether I am missing anything. For example I get worried that most males won’t make process and that I try and excuse that fear by saying I am not really much of a male and have rather feminine side to me. IF I IN ANYWAY SEE SOMETHING THAT REQUIRES CORRECTING IN ME I WILL CORRECT IT. AFTER SOME TIME OF WALKING I WILL BUILD SELF_TRUST AND WILL NO LONGER HAVE DOUBTS BOUT ME> I look forward to that day.

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