Tuesday, October 25, 2011

I have never been patient. I have preoccupied myself with things or games but never have i ever actually been patient while waiting or when denied something I want. Even though my parents woud say to me, What patience! when referring to how calm i appeared when sitting quietly while my brother and sister misbehaves. What they didn't know or chose to ignore was that when something did bother me i hid it. Also i would distract myself, which they had no way of noticing, because i did it in my mind. I would imagine monsters destroying the city and a superhero fighting them. I never saw the end of the fight because i made it so that they can continue entertaining me. It was all in my head placed over reality. Pictures real enough for me to see within daylight. I borrowed them from tv shows, movies and video  games. I brought them to life and i made the main character my savior or guardian.
Back to the point on hand. I now realize that they were wrong (my parents) that i was not a patient boy but a detached one. And when something did upset me, which in some cases can be called the very definition of impatience, i would remove myself from the world by leaving (living) in my head. The way i would handle academic assignments, since i was impatient during such times, i would treat them as games and i would expect the reward of getting A's. It was an energetic high i induced. Literally. When working i would get a frantic feeling sometimes and would work fast. When i knew in order to succeed i had to read or work slowly i would slow down. But it was all done within the goal of succeeding and getting those A's. Each time, each test, each homework i felt a combination of relief of stress with one of intoxication. Otherwise, if i didn't do this, i would not do the work. Im impatient. I need to get want i want, which is energy. Which i get from video games, tv, movies, viral videos, joking with friends, making out with lovers, or being close to family. And of course, winning.
Im ready to change, are you? This is a sad story, sad because its pathetic and pointless and torture-some. I choose to be patient. I choose life as me as who i am as my entire experience of me. All is me. I choose freedom.

No comments:

Post a Comment