Tuesday, May 31, 2011

A year long lesson on feelings (memory)

Before I made the commitment to ask Kattje out I had second thoughts and worries. Was I doing the right thing? Was it simply a point of desire? These worries are emotions. Later when I decided to go through with it I was happy and excited. I made a card for her and I also “overcame” my doubts. I was gonna be committed to her and committed to standing as myself in the relationship. These statements of commitments and feelings were feelings. We were existing in a really unusual side of polarity. I stood as feelings, I stood as energy. I did not realize this until now some year and half later. During the time I did feel that something was imbalanced and I tried to voice my concern with her. But the problem was I did not know what the problem was. This situation was very unusual and I have not been in this situation before. Previously I had existed highly in emotions, which were obvious. Emotions just seem more noticeable and in a way more undesirable. Feelings seemed to me to be the right way to go. But its not, its still polarity and thus suppresses emotions which I still experience over 6 months later after the breakup. Feelings are the deceptive side of energy. At least emotions are clear, like the demons. Feelings act just like the white light, it is highly deceptive and I recommend everyone to be extremely careful. No one is existing as life because no one can stand infinitely yet. This is certainly a wake up call. I have much I could right on the feelings I have participated even within Desteni material. I honestly did not know or had I good idea what feelings were. I knew they included love and happiness. But I had not seen where I explicitly participate in this point and the actual experience of me as feelings. This I recommend to be noticed by everyone. The experience of feelings was very surprising for me. I had not considered these experiences as feelings previously but after a week of being in Miami and after several experience online in facebook and youtube, I had been able through what the desteniiprocess course says on feelings and emotions, which is the polarity design of emotions and feelings, I could see where I had participated previously in a emotion but then a feeling arose after. 
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize i have been participating in the polarity design of feelings and emotions all my life.
I must stop feelings not just emotions.

Friday, May 27, 2011

I write on the beginning of my day then I digress into behavioral psychology and speak on some school where teachers are a thing of the past. I also face self-doubt

               So im gonna write this despite of having some resistance in the form of having the excuse that no major points came up today and today was a nice day. I woke up hearing my mom and brother working on something. After hearing them talk about some work they are working on I had a feeling/reaction of not wanting to get out of bed. I was afraid of them getting me to work. Within my family our mom constantly ask us to work. Its not that she constantly ask us to work, which is actually rarely, but rather when she asks us she does so in a nagging/constant way where she keeps poking us looking for a response. Normally when she asks us to work we freeze and resist. Here is this experience of freezing and not wanting to work, which arises. First there is a freezing and then arises a feeling of not wanting to work which possesses me. I can speak for myself but from observation my brother and sister something similar occurs, though my brother is more readily wanting to help carrying grocieries for example of mowing the lawn. My mom said that when I left for college my brother was more willing to help my mother inhis way. He is still quiet about responding and actually enjoy my mother asking him, which is seen when he smiles in saying STOP, or in his words saying he does not like to help, yet he smiles when saying this. I realize this smiling comes from my mom’s sweet natured manner which is annoying.
            So this morning I decided to walk out to the bathroom and get ready, telling myself I do not have to help them work. I also know that there is no free choice, there is just who you are acting in an environment being who you are. Anyway, I breathed through my fear and woke up. I focused a bit on food, I had some thoughts on minecraft, which I did not self-forgive for. Let me do this now. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have thoughts on minecraft. I also had some thoughts which were dream related. In the morning when I wake having been dreaming I am very much mind based/ picture based, and not applying myself here fully as breath. Today I did apply breath affectively when helping my grandmother with manual labor. So when I got out of the bathroom my cousin was there and my mom and brother were upstairs doing something. When I was sitting on the toilet I saw that there was water dripping from the ceiling in the corner by the door. I realized this may be from the AC. I had also seen some water drip the nite before but had not thought much of it since it was so little. I went upstairs and I realized that they were working on the Ac, my mom was talking with my dad about it. I had one time helped my dad clean the AC pipe. Its this PC pipe that can get clogged, so what you do is pour chlorine inside which unclogs it. That’s what they were doing and I had glanced at the chlorine. I told my mom and brother (mostly addressing my mom) about there was water dripping in the bathroom. My brother responded with: We’re one step ahead of you. It was said in my brother’s tone that, Oh really? Guess what, we’re one step ahead of you. Me and my brother has always been competitive. Bu that’s a bigger story. So one small point within what just happened is that I have this mom calling. (mom call like bird call) Where I say MAE! Or Mom. It does not have to be so obvious. When I was saying, mae? There is water dripping In the bathroom. This questioning and explicit searching for my mom to tell her the information that I have for her so that she can do something about it is something very habitual and ingrained in me. Fortunately I can say: I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to direct all concerns regarding physical problems in the house to my mom, where in my head I figure my mom is most capable to handle this because she is mom, not because she is in fact most capable. I will also just say I will incorporate all my fingers when typing in order to learn how to use them in order to not place so much stress on my two index fingers and perhaps eventually type faster.
              I am very happy that there is a school where all the kids learn everything on there own. That just goes to show that humans are amazing when placed in an environment where to have equal access to everything and generally well supported. Through studies and experience many great thinkers such as Albert Einstein and others have realized the evil of capitalism and the effects of meat on the body. It is really basic commonsense but commonsense is only accessible when one is not emotional or feeling or thinking. It has to be Self Here. It is true that this school does not promote such commonsense and hopes the kids just gets it own they’re own. And perhaps they do? What are the chances they end their own pre-programmed minds? I would say they were better off than kids in public schools. For one, I am responsible for me. Only I am capable of that. I baby I would say is also self-responsible. They are just unable to walk, eat on there own, but still no matter what, Self- is always self-responsible. The school is a democratic school, which seems great. Equal money has to be placed according to democracy and do what is best for all. The rules in the school are all subject to change and kids have all the power but it is all one man/woman one vote. Which is awesome really. In the farm, I have not visited but im guessing all rules are enforced based on the perspective what is best for all. Whether this can be discussed can only be done so from what is most practical also I left out most effective. I considered for a moment where can I leave my dished here for later to wash. I can see it is most effective to wash in the moment whenever possible, otherwise one may forget. The only argument is if one wants to practice remembering to do something. Well, it seems that energy is used to want to forget and the best way to deal with it is simply ending it through breathing and directing oneself according to what is best for all. The kids of the school I was mentioning are obviously affected outside of school by TV for example also perhaps drugs and alcohol. This does not seem prevalent, but who am I to say? Obviously the first few years of a child are important and younger kids are better to adjust to a democratic school with no teachers. Is real joy enough for a kid to avoid Tv, drugs, alcohol and stick with real people in the real world?
                I started talking about this school because I was stating I will type with all my fingers in order to be more effective typer. I felt confident in me as a human at seeing what other fellow humans have accomplished with no classrooms or teachers. Having an education without teachers is itself invaluable, because it teaches self-independence. I have always felt dependent on the system, to the point of being hopeless by myself learning. I feel that desire for learning or finding interesting things to learn has been squashed out of me. I enjoyed school because I enjoyed being the best, or being better than another. I enjoyed the competition and being easily better than others. My brother is like that too. The same feeling is for online gaming where one does win explicitly.
            Should education be based on the same mentality as sports/ online games? This is what the money system is based on. Winning. Even online addictive games are about winning by finishing the game. Behavioral psychology was really Big. At one time entire psychology departments were filled with only behavioral psychologists (at universities). I have a really good hunch that what they found completely describes what teachers were taught and the entire education system as we know it today. The Main idea is positive reinforcement. Kids when they do well are positively re-enforced (this is basically a science) This has been experimentally tested with rats and pellets. There are even books on it for training dogs. Funny story, I professor of behavior psychology was re-enforced by his students to teach standing in the left side of the chalkboard with his hands in the air. The reward was nodding and smiling or grunts. This was done without him realizing. This just goes to show how programmed we are. One of my first youtube vids was on this, and behavioral psychology, Its titled Rats in a cage. So the downside with this is how does this fair with a roomful of students where a teacher cannot possibly have enough time to speak and positively reinforce each and every single one of the twenty or so students. Also the students are positively reinforcing themselves when they see they have done better than another and feel proud as if answering a question the teacher raised and being the first to answer!.  It complete competition bullshit. I see this clearly and saw this long ago. I am one vote for an education system based on what is best for all. A child having access to peers, as equals, and practical self-supportive information. Novels can be self-supporting. Peers are great teachers. What is best for all is also experiencing self-support, and self-responsibility. In an equal money system once one have a taste for this as a child, you can’t imagine humans ever did it another way. No more Hitlers in the classroom. Teachers are equal to what they do as what is best for all. Students too. We the adults will have to be the first ones to do what is best for all.
              Do kids naturally do what I best for all? No they are robots too. They experience life but they also experience energy and emotions and feelings. With a proper vocabulary to no longer support energy and differentiate a real experience versus a mental one will have tremendous support for children. But language is typically learned starting immediately after birth. So the parents and other speakers in the child’s environment will have tremendous influence. Obviously those who have walked the path of facing the mind would have the proper perspective and vocabulary that would support children’s first years. Are children and Adults equals? No anyone, including any adult, is equal to themselves as how they stand for life. If both people stand for life they are equal in they’re standing, assuming they sincerely and completely standing for life. But one person could stand as life, then they are not equal anymore. This world is really fucked-up and complicated.
                    I doubt myself constantly whether I am actually standing for and as life and whether I am missing anything. For example I get worried that most males won’t make process and that I try and excuse that fear by saying I am not really much of a male and have rather feminine side to me. IF I IN ANYWAY SEE SOMETHING THAT REQUIRES CORRECTING IN ME I WILL CORRECT IT. AFTER SOME TIME OF WALKING I WILL BUILD SELF_TRUST AND WILL NO LONGER HAVE DOUBTS BOUT ME> I look forward to that day.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Be the key

I am writing to assist and support myself as life. I was going to say I want to stop the mind consciousness system. But that would be a point of desire. Therefore I stop wanting to stop the mind consciousness system. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the desire of stopping the mind consciousness system. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear not being able to stop the mind if I forgave wanting to stop the mind. I am actually, within forgiving myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire stopping the mind, I am stoping the mind. Isn’t that funny. Humor, I recently thought, should be done in simplicity. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that humor should be done in simplicity. Humor simply arises as self-expression which occurs in self-honesty and self-honesty is applied in moments when I am silent within me, my inner reality. I have not done self-forgiveness as how I have done here, for believing in the confirmation of my intuition. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that within accepting and allowing myself to limit myself to requiring the confirmation of my intuition I imply a statement where I do not trust myself to lose myself and find myself again. In other words there is fear of messing up and wasting time. There is a physical unconscious fear which has manifested as a relationship to this intuition of the physical. I hear knocking and feel pain in my body. They are not natural and have a life of their own. I was always wondering about these intuitions. They even lead to me desteni is some sense. Though I know they are either the physical itself or the interdimensional or physical demons. I know they are here to fuck with me and to test me. Well, here I stand as unconditional forgiveness. I take absolute self-responsibility for this reality. I am one and equal to this entire reality. All life is me one and equal. I am also one and equal to my experience. There is no more running from the truth, I am here. Who am I? I am myself, here.
Self-forgiveness is the key. What was written here should be enough proof for you to know. So Have At It Then.
Within deciding things such as what am I going to do now, or what would be good for me to do, I see that there exist a dependence on my intuition. Cause I am addressing my intuition when I ask this question to myself. There is then a silence, very short, then I usually have a thought. THIS PROVES (lol caps by accs) that all intuition is bullshit, at least the one I use. Because it really is the mind. Within Desteni courses there is the SRA course which teaches muscle communication. In no way is this an example of intuition but is direct communication with clear results once one has practiced and proved this and thus built self-trust within asking specific questions within looking for specific answers. So stop depending on things. I would even say not to depend on yourself. Why is there need of dependence when one is directing Self?
Do you depend on food? Yes. Can you direct yourself as food? NO. Lol. So you can direct yourself in eating which you depend since you can’t provide that to yourself.(yet, if humans ever learn to stop eating as one, (but this is no longer eating)) The very idea of eating is dependence, you or I can’t escape that. So if you eat you depend on someone else, who you are eating.  
            Then the question is what does Self consists in? One and equal, all of existence is Self. So there is no real dependence in the sense of enslavement which is the very nature of the mind consciousness system since all of existence is Self supporting Self one and Equal. There are some interesting articles on food as support for life. Carrots, for example, support the stabilization of self here for self to remain more easily. Remember food is one and equal to you as life. It is here to assist and support you as equals as life to bring about a new world, the world that should have been long ago but never did due to our acceptance and allowance of our programming. We are here to rectify this. We stand as life as all as one and as equals. For further support visit the Desteni.co.za website. The articles I mentioned are found there, among with many others on a range of topics. Use the search bar and search food. Enjoy!
I admire Ann. The one from Desteni. I know this is a form of enslavement so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enslave myself to another through admiration of the person. This is not the same as respect. I could respect a person for what they walked and shared and their standing as a person in process. There could only be respect for a person’s standing of equality and walking as equality and sharing as equality. These are very clear to see given one has shared oneself online. Depending on how long one stands one can start to trust such a person in further standing and walking. That’s cool. Real trust can start to emerge. In an agreement its something else entirely. But I have yet to experienced it. What I have seen from June and Leon is that agreements are really effective. What I have observed is that it is in no way easy, there will be lots of resistance, because for once they physical will be experienced without love-dubby feelings. There will be no hiding the truth. Lol. The naked truth. But its true, its about exposing self and self’s constructs, thoughts, judgments. And im sure its freeing and intimacy must surely be experienced.
 So I have this construct which ill call the preaching/teaching construct which I preach/teach the truth/my truth. When your having someone that’s is talking about the truth or truth, that’s a red flag. There is no truth. Doing what is best for all is not a truth, its simply a principle one lives. Since this is our principle, there can be no truth. There are perspectives but no truth. This should be sufficient enough to prove my point, (an expression). By the fact that my expression is claiming a truth shows our language is built on having opinions, beliefs, and answers. But these things do not do what is best for all. They are not a principle of do what is best for all life. We could say that the answer to all the world problems is living what is best for all in any given moment. But is that really an answer. Is there a question, what answer would serve the question “how do we bring about world peace?” and the answer is knowing the factual information do what is best for all life. Is that a truth? Is that a living reality in this world? No its not. That proves there are no truths; there are no answers for such a question as something that resembles truth.
Here’s a really good example of preaching/teaching the truth/my truth:
Its certainly important to be acquainted with forgiveness and at least know roughly how to apply effectively. Its best to know already how to always apply self-forgiveness but this knowing is easy in the sense that’s its simply pushing. Is pushing easy? Its simple. Lol. Its probably easier when one has good relationship with one’s breath.
As what can clearly be seen it is full of speculation. Its also based on knowledge as a timeline of events. Consider: first you need to know self-forgiveness OH and also apply it effectively. Also, there is no real support provided here as a living example as an expression through writing that demonstrates one’s own introspection. Enjoy!
So I was scratching my face, my nose and chin in particular. I was scratching a pimple on my chin on the right side of my face and the right nostril too. I was not aware I was doing this because I was thinking about something. I then considered that me not being aware of what I was doing is a sign of me not living here. There exist the fear of losing myself, which when I was writing this I was accidently almost writing love (wrote lov). So love, you also lose yourself in love. You fall in love meaning you lose yourself. Strangly enough, whenever I considered someone worthy of my falling in love, I fell hard in love or in my crush.
I finished the discussion in my head due to needing to go eat.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Sad, cause its true

          Imagine there is a farmer who grows crops. He uses a certain mixture of manure for fertilizer. Now imagine another farmer who also fertilizer but it is made how his parents taught him. This mixture makes his tomatoes grow juicy and delicious. This farmer will sell his tomatoes and make more money than the first farmer. The first farmer can't compete and must lower his prices. In today's society we see nothing wrong with this picture. Though there actually is something very wrong indeed. Society would be better off if the rich farmer would share his family secret. Every tomato would be juicy and delicious, not just a few expensive ones. Secrets should not be rewarded, but sharing should.
          Today, we live in a society of secrets. Secret societies, secret off-shore bank accounts, secretly sleeping with so-and-so, You name it! It should have been obvious to you that secrets are a sign of a dysfunctional-suicidal society. Its a sign of a dysfunctional You! Step-up and be honest. Have you used secrets to justify harmful acts? Secrets are no more good than lying. Think about it. If someone starts asking around your secret you're prepared to lie and do lie to protect your secret. Do you see where im going with this? Stop secrets, stop lying. If you don't agree with me, its because you can't see anything. You're too scared. What's there to be scared of, its only yourself. You can once speak freely without getting fussed up about your thoughts. Worrying if they know, what they would say. Life isn't worth living in that case. The whole point of life is to be intimate with you. Do you know yourself? Do you know what u r doing to yourself? Do you even have power?
Sad, cause its true.