Saturday, April 30, 2011

Education today

Well currently im enrolled in a liberal arts college in the North West of United States. Its a small college, 1300 students, and its very academic. Everything taught here is thought to be for ONE's desire to become EDUCATED, (Whatever that means). Its true, love of learning is part of the identity of the college. However, its a lie. People just love their egos. By being independently thrown to the lions we are expected to learn to teach ourselves. That's the idea. The problem is everyone is not from an equal starting point. I, was great at math at poor at writing. Nothing has changed. I think Reed college is unreal. Who i am was the same as when i entered. Whatever change was self-change. In me stopping my personality. There is no secret or special knowledge. There are just classes.
I mean... shouldn't we be going to college to learn information and how to apply it? I don't consider what i learn valuable, and when i see those who are revered the best, i see nothing either. We are in quite a little fuckup, arent we? I suppose what matters is that the teachers see them as the best and me a loser. So, i know i can be that, since i was that in high school, but i was just so sick and tired of it!!! But a see a reason. Life. For life. I study for life so that one day life will be free from... everything, teacher students, money, hate, love, freedom, joy, sadness, revenge, hope, hate, anger, pessimism, knowledge, logic, rationality, clouds, etc... Life defined as one thing, is enslaved. We are all life.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Where are we?

Ok, so. ...When i first watched a video by desteni ... I was Whoa! What? Is what they(beings interviewed) are saying make sense? For example in this Yogananda interview,... it made an impression on me. One and equal... what does that mean? Why was he claiming that was "the solution", as how i took it. of course i realize it is not a solution but what this existence is based on. The solution you could say, is to be one and equal with, as the video said, "expression, how they live, how they take responsibility for themselves and how they speak." I could spend some time decoding this. But i won't, not yet.
         Never take anything as just knowledge. It needs to be lived, especially, ok. I found the Desteni material. I made the mistake of just "believing in," so to speak, the material instead of using it. All knowledge, all information, goes through the physical processes systems, however they affect you. Just like the language you know, affects you. So the idea of the desteni material is to end all suffering and all abuse. Through ending your abuse of yourself, your suffering, you are able to stand for all life and make a realization that you are life, in fact, and physical, which is tough for most people to swallow.
So money is energy... It fuels you. or is it food? which one? And the erth? You are a physical being. However you neglect to see the blantant naked truth. You haven't existed. Not yet anyway.If you exist, why haven't you done anything to end abuse? Why are you afraid? Why do you accept and allow youself to abuse youself through thoughts? "She probably hates me" "Im alone" "i have no friends" "i just want to love" And accept and allow excuses and justifications? "everyone is unconscious" "I can do it later" "they all hate me" "they deserve it" "its too late" And deny any responsibility? "its the sugar...cigarettes" "why does everything happen to me!" "its not fair!" "i pray!" "karma?". We are all responsible 'together' for this one world. 
I stand within my physical body, as life, and will walk with life to make sure we stand one and equal as ourselves as life. That is my commitment 

Friday, April 22, 2011

To you and you and you

Okay, you can see yourself as existence, one and equal, and then apply self forgiveness. If you apply self-forgiveness and are doubting, DONT! Just do it anyway.
Self-forgiveness is an act of changing yourself, so see how it practically is lived, for real, meaning physically. Whether it be stopping a reaction by breathing here in a 4-count breath or physically moving yourself to walk the self-correction. This process of forgiving yourself and living your words is an example of Self-honesty.
The law of attraction is a way to justify desiring beliefs, money, and relationships without considering how this affects others. Money is power, therefore you want more power than others have. Relationships=sex, therefore you want sex, for yourself and you're looking for someone who wants the same thing. This 'for yourself' is to reach orgasmic state in order to not have to face SELF here. If you were to FACE self, you would be ashamed. Thats why there is a drive, 'energy', to distra....

So something happened yesterday that reflected this. I feel hesitant about talking about this. I saw how fucked up humanity is. I saw how fucked up i was. I totally understood where we're at. We are in total complete delusional shit. We literally don't exist, at all; not as life, not as anything real. I can see how it can be the case where you can literally be erased from existence when you die. There is no one there, literally. Just the physical with a pre-programmed mind trying to manifest itself.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Well, today i faced the point of Self-forgiveness, just now actually

I realized that i wasn't yet living my Self-forgiveness honestly. Meaning that there wasn't an immediate self-statement of change. With that realization i moved myself to breath. I then picked a single point. I received confirmation of the effectiveness of my words through the sound of them.

Ok, now to walk through Self-forgiveness.

When i was in the cafeteria, i was sitting with ben and i was having thoughts with pictures running through my vision. They were things we could talk about. I discarded many of them seeing them as irrelevant. Though right now as i was searching for a single to point to apply self-forgiveness on, i saw this point as an obvious self-deception and trying to avoid this moment here. Ok, so i forgive myself for staying in my head and not living here as myself as breath for real. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my denial self as breath, as self expression even, by attemtping to run-away from here myself as life. I forgive myself for not being honest when seeing that i was participating within and as pictures and images of memories and imagination. I self-correct me by living here as myself as self-expression within and as breath. 

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Reality & Mind's breath

I don't know what to write about. How about everything? Everything real or seen from the starting point of reality. So do you know whats real? Its the physical. When you're living in your body and breathing with and as the physical you are real. You are you, for real, here. Most humans, however do not breathe with and as the physical.

Here's one point i discovered about my mind's breath. When making a mistake, i tend to leave my body and cause a short and sharp intake of air. My abs tighten. Its forceful. And it supports separation from the breath. So i forgive myself for being upset from making a mistake. I forgive myself for trying to manifest perfection by 'being upset from errors' = 'using emotional and energetic measures to condition MYSELF'. I rather live ME HERE, within and as breath, with and as the physical.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Homework and so on...

I have a reaction to writing about having a reaction to doing my homework. Work seems like a major point. Ok, I always did work for some purposes. My mom would tell me to do everything for God. When I enjoyed my school work it was from a superiority complex. Meaning I believed it was the right thing to study quietly in class, not be disruptive and like to learn for its own sake. However I liked it because of ENERGY. I would feel so awesome when getting an AAAAA. I felt I was in the RIGHT. Righteous. In high school I was ingrained to work for college too. Where that was the end goal, even. When I first got here I was so happy, I made great friends, had even, what I always asked for, have someone like ME.

Ok, story time. When in elementary school I didn’t really care about grades. However I did really great in math and I liked it well I excelled in that. In middle school I loved being better than the entire class in math. I also really didn’t fit in. Who I was as a personality didn’t fit well with the kids. I was more mature in a sense. My viewpoint of the world was more critical. I felt that everyone should be different, they weren’t acting right. They weren’t respectful and behaved rowdy and loud when the teacher was distracted. I loved my teacher in 2nd grade. I could see how I hated how the students acted when it was against the teacher. I didn’t consider the students and teacher as one and equal. I didn’t see them all as life one and equal. There were certain energetic relationships.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to care about grades as to form a part of ME. Instead of self-expression. I forgive myself for likeing math not as a self-expression. I forgive myself for judging me so as to believe Im unhappy. I forgive myself for not standing up as all as one and equal.

Thursday, April 7, 2011


Today i was discovering what it means to play music. So i was exploring the sounds on the piano. I discovered how the white and keys and black keys differ. If you have never tried this, the black keys when played sound similar to the Asian notes in music. If your studied music here in the western culture, the c scale is the scale that starts a C and plays until the next C. One misconception i had for a while was that the black keys were sharps or have a sound that is fundamentally weird. They are simply spaced differently. You could even play the "Asian scale" on the white keys, and vice verse. Its all based on intervals, there is a great program that ive been working with. His the intro video.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011


Today a faced a point regarding, friendship i had with someone. It came up with a memory of her, and the memory came from a book i was reading. Their was a feeling of warmth. I forgive myself for defining friendship as looking for that someone who you can trust and tell your secrets, which implies you are distrustful of everyone and are secretive. I forgive myself for not allowing myself to be here, open to everything that is here moment to moment. There is nothing wrong with friendship that is actually lived and practically applied within what is best for all and considers all and is inclusive. It is how friendship is currently exists in this world that troubles me. We are being EXCLUSIVE in order to create separation in order to create an energetic experience within as as our mind consciousness system. We need to stop and start getting real. We are not mind consciousness systems, we are life. We know the pain of exclusion. Its common sense. So start apply yourselves humans. It all starts HERE.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

My experience within & as the application of BREATH with Self-forgiveness

Ok, so i recently applied the 4 count breath rather effectively and thoroughly. There are five points i would like to discuss. The first off is a simple one. Breathing while sitting. Now, according to advice provided by the portal and Bernard, we inhale with a 4-count beat. Meaning even steps 1, 2, 3, 4 PAUSE 1, 2, 3, 4. Exhale, 1, 2, etc... We continue this beat, checking what exists here within ourselves, at the pauses, and also to breathe as our whole self. Herein we can apply self-forgiveness more effectively. Because the mind cannot exist within breath for long. Ok, time for a story.
        The point of the story was that i was scared or in other words i reacted to a thought. I breathed through the reaction. Consistently trying to bring myself here, or rather i should say i was insistent that i remain here. So i eventually faced the actual situation of the thought and "walked" through it. I moved me. I also forgave myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the thought of going in my underwear to a underwear party. Funny but true. It was intense reactions, my heart was going going going. But i stopped. I stilled had some after effects, as you would expect from a heart pumping and activating your adrenaline, so to speak. But, i repeat, i stopped the reaction and all that was left was the body slowing down, which takes time for it to relax. You can thinking it like running a mile and stopping but still have a heart thats racing, but you know the only stopping is stopping. Just Breathe and be here, to take direction of yourself.
I wanted to write this for others.

Monday, April 4, 2011


This is an excerpt of my Back Chat Diary:
 When I was younger I noticed how my hair was similar to that of a few actors in movies and tv shows. I figured also that my hair looked good. How? I have a strong emotional attchment to my hair. Some time during elementary school I accidentely got my hair cut short. My dad told the barber how to cut my hair and I did not speak out but stayed silent in anguish and emotions while he cut my hair short. I had long hair before I could remember. I remember liking my hair a lot, thinking it to be the best part of me. I had a mushroom style hair cut, and I remember my dad comparing me to the beatles. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to like my hair because others like me for it. [instead of self-expressing myself with and as my hair] [I stop using hair as an excuse to not stand up for what I believe in, which is life,  and apply myself here as breath within and as oneness and equality]