Looking closer (losing)

"When I would come home from school everyday, I would have two hours of free time to relax. My mom supported me to have this free time and would say this is your time to relax from school and perhaps eat a snack.' (I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my mom for providing the conditions with which I could have some free time to relax. I notice now, why I am forgive myself for what my mom did, there was nothing to forgive here. Instead I notice I am judging myself as bad for having a comfortable life and having opportunity and chance to grow and succeed. Within reading these words I am believing/fearing I am a liar. When I did have a comfortable life, and plenty of opportunity and chance to grow and succeed. There is nothing bad or wrong with growing and succeeding and using the opportunities you have available to you, even when others don’t have it, it doesn’t mean not accepting the opportunity will help them, in fact accepting the opportunity will empower me to help them more than if I did not accept it. Within this last sentence, I feared not really supporting them, or going to support them, that I am really selfish underneath it all. I feel if I say I am selfish, this is what I will live. I am selfish. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow myself to be selfish. Now I am looking at how I still need to care for me and have regard for me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not care for me and love me for real by being committed to myself through and through, no matter what situation I am in.) (I  feel tired now, and have a pressure in my head. I am evil, I am selfish. I choose to no longer fear being evil or selfish because if I am evil and selfish, I can just forgive myself for being evil and selfish- simple. While writing the highlighted portion, I felt a pain in my left forearm, I thought  I am accepting and allowing abuse, for myself to be selfish and evil, I am accepting and allowing selfishness and evil. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing selfishness and evil. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not care for all as one and equal. There is no point in listening to a thought. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to my thoughts. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my thoughts to define who I am. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this world to define who I am. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing anyone to define who I am. I define me, always. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing pains to direct me, as if there are trustworthy and have inside information into who I am, while all the while I am accepting and allowing thought, pictures, feeling and emotions to define who I am. Why did I do this? Why? I thought I wasn’t good enough. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am not good enough. II thought I am really evil. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am really evil. I feared that another thought I was evil. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing someone/anyone. I stand up now to assist and support myself and life as myself, even if that means I may lose people along the way.

Self Forgiveness

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I have to do a writing before I apply self-forgiveness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself by limiting where and when I can apply self-forgiveness because I think I am not allowed to , that it won’t be effective, that I am wasting my time, that I am wrong, and I am useless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I have to listen to every advice that someone gives me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I have to respect every single person I meet by being kind, friendly, accepting, and sacrifice myself in order to support them because this is what I have to do in order to do what is best for all, which seems for me to have become a slogan to not really consider all perspectives, including my own, which is what best for all should include.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider my perspective within what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shit on myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to insult myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be hard on myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not move equal and one through any situation,.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from oneness and equality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not breathe and start with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from kindness by not being kind to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from caring by not being caring to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from action.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not kill that which is not supportive and reinvigorate that which is supportive.

Do nothing

Dance party music is too loud. I just came from a dance party and my ears are ringing. WHY DOES THE MUSIC HAVE TO BE SO LOUD THAT MY EARS RING! I want to have good hearing when im older, and im sure everyone else does too. And also why does the music have to be so loud you cannot hear each other! -so that's something i wanted so say/share.
So i just came from a party. I was standing there. I notice that certain thoughts would come up. The most prominent one was, wow look at all the freshman girls. I immediately thought of my dad. After the second moment these words came up I got angry and I wanted to shoot the thoughts out. I realized that this is not possible and simply be angry will not help me stop. So i went into a point of acceptance. There was some immediate relief. So I was trying to direct myself. So i became aware of stuff, looking, moving. Later I left. When i was in my room, the thought came up again, wow look at all the freshman girls. I then said, so? As my dad, the thoughts came, well go after them. I felt offended and I saw I would be treating them like objects. But even objects you should not treat them this way. That with both objects/products and girls you do not simply choose them all, and you also do not pick one and quickly throw it away, no, you take care of it and make sure it lasts.
-Im confused honestly. As i was writing I felt I was skipping something important. I wanted to write about this little story that went through my head. I think there are more layers that my response to my thoughts was itself a thought. Any perspectives from anyone? I mean I guess I could go deeper. The main question I want to ask is, Am i right? Am i right to say that I then said, so? As my dad, the thoughts came, well go after them. I felt offended and I saw I would be treating them like objects. But even objects you should not treat them this way. That with both objects/products and girls you do not simply choose them all, and you also do not pick one and quickly throw it away, no, you take care of it and make sure it lasts.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think wow look at all the freshman girls.

I just watched the above interview.

What is best for all is not defined by a single person. In other words, we can each as individuals apply the principle, what is best for all. That what is best for all is not determined by any single person. It is a principle that people can consider and apply as themselves. That it is not limited to anyone. We do not require to trust a person or have faith in a person because they defined what is best for all, no. No, because we can see for ourselves and test what is best for all for ourselves. We do not rely on something else to tell us or inform us what is best for all. What is best for all is a principle that we are learning, and experiencing through time, in a process of understanding and accumulation of perspectives. The most valuable of these perspectives is the one that cannot be erased that is available for all to see, that is not hidden but in plain sight. It is not an opinion. It is fact. It is here, and undeniable. If you deny it, you screw yourself. It is ubiquitous, like God. It is omnipresent and omnipotent. It consists of everything, and it gives life to everything. It is malleable yet stable. It is free of opinion. It is the physical.
The physical is always here. It is the only thing that we can always trust. We too can live self-trust. Be here. Direct with and as the physical. Live a life of worth, apply the principle what is best for all. No one can tell you what is best for all, it requires you to see it and apply it. It won't work otherwise. Oneness and equality, with and as the physical. Be here with the breath. Be equal with the breath. Be equal with the fingers, hands, words, breath, pain, eyes, nose, leg, arms. Direct and live. Stop all energy.