Looking closer (losing)

"When I would come home from school everyday, I would have two hours of free time to relax. My mom supported me to have this free time and would say this is your time to relax from school and perhaps eat a snack.' (I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my mom for providing the conditions with which I could have some free time to relax. I notice now, why I am forgive myself for what my mom did, there was nothing to forgive here. Instead I notice I am judging myself as bad for having a comfortable life and having opportunity and chance to grow and succeed. Within reading these words I am believing/fearing I am a liar. When I did have a comfortable life, and plenty of opportunity and chance to grow and succeed. There is nothing bad or wrong with growing and succeeding and using the opportunities you have available to you, even when others don’t have it, it doesn’t mean not accepting the opportunity will help them, in fact accepting the opportunity will empower me to help them more than if I did not accept it. Within this last sentence, I feared not really supporting them, or going to support them, that I am really selfish underneath it all. I feel if I say I am selfish, this is what I will live. I am selfish. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to accept and allow myself to be selfish. Now I am looking at how I still need to care for me and have regard for me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not care for me and love me for real by being committed to myself through and through, no matter what situation I am in.) (I  feel tired now, and have a pressure in my head. I am evil, I am selfish. I choose to no longer fear being evil or selfish because if I am evil and selfish, I can just forgive myself for being evil and selfish- simple. While writing the highlighted portion, I felt a pain in my left forearm, I thought  I am accepting and allowing abuse, for myself to be selfish and evil, I am accepting and allowing selfishness and evil. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing selfishness and evil. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not care for all as one and equal. There is no point in listening to a thought. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to listen to my thoughts. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing my thoughts to define who I am. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing this world to define who I am. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing anyone to define who I am. I define me, always. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing pains to direct me, as if there are trustworthy and have inside information into who I am, while all the while I am accepting and allowing thought, pictures, feeling and emotions to define who I am. Why did I do this? Why? I thought I wasn’t good enough. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am not good enough. II thought I am really evil. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am really evil. I feared that another thought I was evil. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear losing someone/anyone. I stand up now to assist and support myself and life as myself, even if that means I may lose people along the way.

Self Forgiveness

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I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I have to do a writing before I apply self-forgiveness. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to limit myself by limiting where and when I can apply self-forgiveness because I think I am not allowed to , that it won’t be effective, that I am wasting my time, that I am wrong, and I am useless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I have to listen to every advice that someone gives me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I have to respect every single person I meet by being kind, friendly, accepting, and sacrifice myself in order to support them because this is what I have to do in order to do what is best for all, which seems for me to have become a slogan to not really consider all perspectives, including my own, which is what best for all should include.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not consider my perspective within what is best for all.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to shit on myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to insult myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be hard on myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not move equal and one through any situation,.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from oneness and equality.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not breathe and start with me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from kindness by not being kind to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from caring by not being caring to me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from action.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from honesty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not kill that which is not supportive and reinvigorate that which is supportive.

Do nothing

Dance party music is too loud. I just came from a dance party and my ears are ringing. WHY DOES THE MUSIC HAVE TO BE SO LOUD THAT MY EARS RING! I want to have good hearing when im older, and im sure everyone else does too. And also why does the music have to be so loud you cannot hear each other! -so that's something i wanted so say/share.
So i just came from a party. I was standing there. I notice that certain thoughts would come up. The most prominent one was, wow look at all the freshman girls. I immediately thought of my dad. After the second moment these words came up I got angry and I wanted to shoot the thoughts out. I realized that this is not possible and simply be angry will not help me stop. So i went into a point of acceptance. There was some immediate relief. So I was trying to direct myself. So i became aware of stuff, looking, moving. Later I left. When i was in my room, the thought came up again, wow look at all the freshman girls. I then said, so? As my dad, the thoughts came, well go after them. I felt offended and I saw I would be treating them like objects. But even objects you should not treat them this way. That with both objects/products and girls you do not simply choose them all, and you also do not pick one and quickly throw it away, no, you take care of it and make sure it lasts.
-Im confused honestly. As i was writing I felt I was skipping something important. I wanted to write about this little story that went through my head. I think there are more layers that my response to my thoughts was itself a thought. Any perspectives from anyone? I mean I guess I could go deeper. The main question I want to ask is, Am i right? Am i right to say that I then said, so? As my dad, the thoughts came, well go after them. I felt offended and I saw I would be treating them like objects. But even objects you should not treat them this way. That with both objects/products and girls you do not simply choose them all, and you also do not pick one and quickly throw it away, no, you take care of it and make sure it lasts.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think wow look at all the freshman girls.

I just watched the above interview.

What is best for all is not defined by a single person. In other words, we can each as individuals apply the principle, what is best for all. That what is best for all is not determined by any single person. It is a principle that people can consider and apply as themselves. That it is not limited to anyone. We do not require to trust a person or have faith in a person because they defined what is best for all, no. No, because we can see for ourselves and test what is best for all for ourselves. We do not rely on something else to tell us or inform us what is best for all. What is best for all is a principle that we are learning, and experiencing through time, in a process of understanding and accumulation of perspectives. The most valuable of these perspectives is the one that cannot be erased that is available for all to see, that is not hidden but in plain sight. It is not an opinion. It is fact. It is here, and undeniable. If you deny it, you screw yourself. It is ubiquitous, like God. It is omnipresent and omnipotent. It consists of everything, and it gives life to everything. It is malleable yet stable. It is free of opinion. It is the physical.
The physical is always here. It is the only thing that we can always trust. We too can live self-trust. Be here. Direct with and as the physical. Live a life of worth, apply the principle what is best for all. No one can tell you what is best for all, it requires you to see it and apply it. It won't work otherwise. Oneness and equality, with and as the physical. Be here with the breath. Be equal with the breath. Be equal with the fingers, hands, words, breath, pain, eyes, nose, leg, arms. Direct and live. Stop all energy.

Fighter

 

Chess with my cousin

My cousin asked if I wanted to play chess. I said yes. (I did not really consider his question, I reacted with the answer. I perceived it as a challenge and I believed I had no choice. I thought I am a chicken if I say no to a game of chess. I felt nervous. As we started the game, I thought: I hope I win. I felt nervous. I did not want to appear that I desired to win as I knew if I lost I would appear sad. I had recently told my cousin that if you want to win you cannot distract yourself with the desire to win.  As a child I would often pray for things including winning at games. I once wished on a shooting star that me and my brother would beat a hard boss in a video game we were playing. I later associated our victory from the wish to the fact that we learned over time from having tried to win so many times. So I thought in order to win you need to keep on trying. So if I try I then I hope to win. I notice this to be true where if I start trying I am motivated by winning. Consequently I notice that if I see I have no chance of winning I don’t really try.

As a child I played many games of chess with other children. I won most of them. I took great pride within the number of games I won. When I would lose one game after another I would get continuously upset. I remember I would only show my emotions in moments where I thought I could not hold them back since I was too upset. One time I remember trying to punch someone for pulling down my pants. (I learned from my science teacher that a punch on a wall will give as much force back to your hand. In other words it would be more painful the harder you punch. I feared pain and I avoided fighting for fear of physical pain.) These were guys who tried messing with me many times. I had already built a fear to having my pants pull down. I also remember getting upset because the girl I liked was watching too. I don’t actually remember the event, I blacked out. After the event I remember being on the ground facing down, as if I fallen. I don’t remember seeing the guy I tried to hit or who pulled my pants down. After, I remember crying when I told someone who asked me what happened, I said, someone pulled my pants down. There was someone who I believed pulled my pants down but I could not say for sure and so I could not accuse him. This same guy I thought tried to steal a pair of black gloves I had. He asked for the gloves. I resisted but I let him try it on, since he only wanted to see it. When he disappeared I searched for him. I felt angry when I thought he tried to steal from me, as I took it personal. It follows the same construct I described in the previous section. But I left out feeling sad. I remember that my brother would point out that I cry often when I got upset with him and when I decided to really share what I felt. He would get upset that I was crying. My mom was present when I cried about what I perceived my brother was doing to me. I cried on my first multiplication test and I tried very hard to do well in math. My dad’s dog recently died. This feeling of sadness gave me access to memories where I felt equally sad. It reminded me of breakups; of when my mom’s camera was stolen in Peru or when my mom and dad had their biggest fight. Unlike other people, I held onto sadness for longer. I would linger in weeks of sadness, holding onto memories, thoughts and the feeling/emotion.

As a child I would repeat certain memories in my head, as I felt great emotions when I remembered them. I would repeat thoughts too.

When I started losing I felt diminished inside but I tried not to show that to others. I thought there is no hope for me. I felt nervous. I noticed I avoided making eye contact with my cousin. I also remember avoiding eye contact of the kid I am playing against when I started losing or have lost. I thought I was just tired. I did not allow myself to show that I felt sad. I would get very upset when I lose several games of chess against my father. In other games like kickball I would think that whichever team I am on is going to lose. So I would repeat this thought and expect it to be true. This also made me feel sad.

When I saw I lost I compounded the feeling of inferiority (sadness) even further, and then immediately suppressed the compounded emotion called sadness. I thought I’m done. I felt exasperated. I still desired to win so I agreed to another game of chess. When my cousin asked me to play again I thought yes. I again felt nervous. (This reminds me of a feeling of wanting to continue games with friends or playing a video game for more time before letting my brother play as we took turns [addiction]. While playing a game I would think I don’t want to give up. I felt nervous when I thought this. I thought I don’t want to be a loser. I felt sad after thinking this.  After losing and going through the same cycle I gave up (the point where I finally let go)  and I thought I’m a loser and felt sad, in which I suppressed my desire to win until a future time, and just said I was tired, in which I suppressed my frustration, and left. I thought im done and I felt exasperated. I notice that in a video game where I am losing, I readily leave the game to let my brother play. I also have a memory where I have lost a major game and all I thought about was going home. I became disappointed in myself (blamed myself) for allowing myself to play chess while I am tired, I thought I shouldn’t have done that. I was criticizing myself in the past on something I cannot change). I tried to protect my image through stating I was tired, so that I can blame tiredness for my losing and frustration. (my mom would say we are tired when we felt upset about something and it was late. I remember feeling tired after losing the game.)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be motivated by winning and discouraged by losing and have defined trying as a word dependent on outcome instead of independent of outcome and so trying is an unconditional expression of myself instead of myself enslaved to the outcome.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think yes when my cousin asks me to play a game. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think yes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience called nervousness within and as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought yes to the emotion of feeling nervous.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think there is no hope for when I start losing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think there is no hope for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought there is no hope for me to the emotion called nervousness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience called nervous within and as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I’m done when I lost the chess game. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I’m done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought I’m done to the emotion of exasperated.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience known as exasperated within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished for losing and to hide my feeling of diminishment, while thinking there is no hope for me, thus keeping me enslaved in the same pattern of a hidden diminishment when I lose. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that whenever anyone asks me to play I perceive it as a challenge to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing battle within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing conflict within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the pattern ‘I give up’ whenever I see myself losing many times and within that, giving up on me being able to win something, which I see I also apply in my real life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am tired when I am upset/emotional about losing/not getting my way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am tired. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself by thinking i am tired to hide my reactions of inferiority and then blaming myself for letting myself to play while tired when all along i was creating tired to have an excuse to leave the game.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought I am tired to the emotional experience of feeling horrible.

 My brother and I would try and cheat the other to try and play more time on a video game. When the other’s time was up I would get upset and I would use my upset demeanor to tell my mom that my brother was not getting off the computer or playstation. I can see that I was not really upset but I just used being upset to play more or get more. I know this was how to get my mom to give us things or get what we want.

The Dark Side of the Moon.

Birthday night 2013
My family wanted to watch some family videos from when we were kids. One video was of my brother and I taking a shower. Everyone was howling and laughing because they thought they were seeing me naked and they were laughing to see me naked. I felt violated and I blamed my father for what I felt since he took the video. I felt inferior because I was being laughed at. I thought I looked silly. I felt anxious when I thought this. I also remember a fear of being seen naked, where I thought others would think my penis and balls look small and weird. I also thought my anus looks dirty as it had a dark circular area. I feel disgusted when I think my anus looks dirty. I feel sad when I think my penis and balls look small and weird. I remember having a dream of being naked and trying to hide my nudity, where I blamed others for my experience. While the video was on, I felt angry with those who were laughing and I blamed them, as I did not want to think of my anus, penis, and balls as I reacted to those thoughts. (I notice that this requires that I have as a character to resist the dark and embrace the light, as what I judge to be good/bad) I notice I became quiet in between thoughts, within which I was suppressing my thoughts and feelings/emotions, including the thoughts on my body that made me angry.

I thought that hiding/suppressing my reason for being angry would protect my reason for being angry that within hiding they would not see why I felt fear and shame. I hoped they would never attempt to question why I was angry; I used anger as a tool for pushing argument that served as a distraction from all self-honest consideration. Anger/violence/fear is contagious. I notice I have made myself powerless through hoping and holding onto a thought I am trying to protect from being consciously faced. I believed to be powerless in my situation, and just a victim. I realize this experience of powerless is just myself seeing how as the mind I have no power to influence my reality, which is why I had only hoped they not find out. As the mind I am powerless. If I give up my thoughts/judgments on my body I will be free.

I remember another childhood dream where I dreamt a monster was coming to get me and I just crouched down, closed my eyes and ears with my hands and I thought I was hiding and I thought: don’t get me. This monster in this particular dream is Chucky from the horror movie. In this dream I am in a parking lot at night. I stumble on a parking slab of stone and I am crouching down and hiding. I dared not even look at him since the sight of him was the trigger of my fear. I think wake up. This thought reminds me of movies or shows where people think they are dreaming and so they pinch themselves to try and wake up. I remember they would do this when they are scared. I realize I have accepted and allowed my fear of chucky and I have decided to just run away and wake up from my nightmares.

Later I received advice from an adult I did not know but I liked what he said. He said to stand up to monsters in dreams and to fight them violently to release my fear of them. I remember dreaming of being in an urban setting and some guys attacked me, so I attacked them and beat them up. I thought I am powerful when I saw I easily I beat them. I felt happy. I thought no one better mess with me when I started fighting with them. I felt furious. After seeing what I wrote above: “Anger/violence/fear is contagious” and how I behaved in the dream, I see that I have the excuse where I think I can attack others if they attack me. This reminds of of the batman movie where he uses fear against his opponent. When I first heard this line in the movie I had a positive reaction to it. Now I see that this violence in itself, where you harm another to get your way. This reminds me of when I got kicked in my butt by some kids and I thought: why are they doing this to me, to which I felt sad. My mom after told me to stand up for myself when someone messes with me at school, that to kick him in the butt if they do that to me. I thought if I attack it is to protect myself. I remember approving war, such as WWII where you have to defend yourself. I have thought exactly the same line of thought in playing violent video games where if someone says that why are you shooting that person I say they are shooting me. My mom has told the story that I got angry with my brother and cousin so I knocked their heads together. I actually don’t remember it. But I have gotten angry many times with my brother and cousin as we would fight as kids. We would retaliate if the other did something, whatever made the other angry.  

So I perceived my family was attacking me, I thought why are they laughing at me, they should stop. I felt sorrow. I thought I could not make them stop. I felt sad. I thought there is nothing I could do. I felt sad.

I have always felt less than when I am the punch of a joke (note, punch is violent).  I became quiet (believing I am hiding myself) to hide my reason for feeling of angry, which is thinking I can do nothing to change my situation since that would mean changing my thoughts, giving up my thoughts on my body and admitting I can change/stop thoughts.

So I see that I see myself as an image, within my thoughts that my anus looks dirty and my penis and balls look small and weird. I fear thinking this, as I fear my own image I have created of me. I try to hide within blame and anger, and I suppress the thoughts on my anus, balls, and penis themselves.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pretend i am a victim and make-believe my family is attacking me, thus creating an illusionary experience where i believe i can do nothing to change my experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad when i believe i am powerless, am being attacked by my family.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to not take responsibility for my feeling violated by blaming my father for taking the video in the first place.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel violated within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel violated when people see a nude picture/movie of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my father to escape my responsibility by blaming him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I look silly.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I look silly when everyone was howling and laughing to see me naked.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought I look silly to the emotional experience of feeling anxious.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my penis and balls look small and weird.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my penis and balls look small and weird when I see the visual image of my penis and balls.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought my penis and balls look small and weird to the emotional experience of feeling sad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience called sadness within and as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my anus looks dirty.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my anus looks dirty when I see my anus in the mirror or in an image.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought my anus looks dirty to the emotional experience called sadness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience known as sadness within and as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my face looks fat.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my face looks fat when I see the visual image of my cheeks in the mirror or in a photo/movie.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought my face looks fat to the emotional experience sadness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience of sadness within and as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my nose looks crooked and broken.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my nose looks crooked and broken when I see my nose in the mirror from above or see my nose in a picture of my whole face.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought my nose looks crooked and broken to the emotional experience known as sadness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my hips look fat.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my hips look fat when I see my hips from behind, in the mirror or otherwise.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought my hips look fat to the emotional experience known as sadness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my legs look small and weird.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my legs look small and weird when I see my legs from above and from behind, and when I feel my legs with my hand.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought my legs look small and weird to the emotional experience known as sadness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my butt looks small and weird.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my butt looks small and weird when I see my butt bare from behind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought my butt looks small and weird to the emotional experience known as sadness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my pecks look fat.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my pecks looks fat when I hold my peck and release it or when I see my upper body in the mirror.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought my pecks look fat to the emotional experience known as sadness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience known as sadness within and as myself.

My brother would call me fat.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am fat.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am fat when I look at my belly from above and see it covers the view of my feet or penis and balls. ( I have this image from a cartoon I watched. In the cartoon goofy was exercising and even practiced dancing. He was preparing his appearance for a date. )

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought I am fat to the emotional experience known as sadness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I have a fat chin.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I have a fat chin when I see my chin from the side or when I see my chin stick out when I tuck my head down.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought I have a fat chin to the emotional experience known as sadness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience called sadness within and as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my ear lobes look big.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my ear lobes look big when I hold my ear lobes with my thumb and index fingers.

I notice a trend where regarding the physical body I am judging looking big as bad. Where having a big head is bad.

My mom told me Chinese tradition says that people with big ear lobes attract wealth to them and are very lucky.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am lucky because my ear lobes are big.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am lucky because my ear lobes are big when I feel my ear lobes and when I see my ears from the side of my face.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought I am lucky because I have big ear lobes to the feeling experience of happiness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I look like a girl.

I remember that I once was asked if I was a girl. I had very long hair that covered my face.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I look like a girl when someone asked me if I was a girl and says I look like a girl.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought I look like a girl to the emotional experience known as fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the emotional experience of fear within and as me.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the emotional experience of fear to the thought I am naked.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am naked when I see an old picture/movie of me naked.  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the physical reaction of hiding my inner feelings and emotions and inner experience from my conscious awareness when I experience the emotion called fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the physical reaction of hiding my inner feelings and emotions and inner experiences from my conscious awareness within and as me.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the physical reaction of hiding myself when I am faced with the emotional experience called fear.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the physical reaction of hiding myself within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience of rage when I see or hear people laugh at my body’s appearance, which only further suppresses and covers my feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am angry at people laughing at me so as to not take responsibility for what I am experiencing as the totality of myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry to get my way, more specifically to distract others from learning the truth of myself as judging my own appearance as bad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience of inferiority within and as myself as that served only to distract myself from what I really experienced.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel distrusted when people laugh at me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that if people don’t take me seriously they don’t trust me.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior when people see a naked picture/movie of me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as the victim that cannot change his circumstances and situation through accepting and allowing myself to react to laughter and blame laughter when I clearly do have the power to create myself and my experience.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the physical reaction of hiding when I believe I am faced with a monster that is coming for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define hiding as crouching down, blocking my eyes and ears and repeating to myself, I am safe. I can clearly see a pattern here, where I have repeated positive thoughts to myself to convince myself I am safe, for example, or I am well, or everything is all right.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself something is true when I know that if it was true I would not have to tell myself and convince myself of it. The truth of me is clearly seen by me.

Well, in my dream I dreamt I had suds on my body and I was nearby a party. I went to hide myself and I end up falling on the floor hiding from people. The fear consists of feeling nervous and hoping/desiring people to not see me. If they don’t see me I think: I can relax. I feel light (in terms of weight).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I hope they don’t see me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I hope they don’t see me, when I am naked.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire people to not see me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought I hope they don’t see me to the emotional experience called nervousness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience known as nervousness within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting myself to connect the thought I can relax to the feeling experience of feeling light.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the feeling experience of feeling light within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I can relax when I avoid being seen naked.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define quiet in separation of myself through defining quiet as a physical reaction of suppressing all emotion, feeling, thought and inner experience from conscious awareness in separation of myself so to achieve a suppressed silence of mind for a moment.

I forgive myself for not realizing that my desire of hiding messes, dust, was a reaction to not have to take responsibility of the dust and mess similar to and analogous to my suppression of thought and mind so as to not take responsibility of myself.

I remembered that I would have this desire to sweep the dust I had gathered under a rug. I remembered that in cartoons they did this. I desired to be like the cartoons. I thought it would be cool to be like the cartoons. I felt sullen.  My memory consisted of an image in my living room pulling up a rug in one hand and about to sweep a pile of dust under the rug lifted with my hand. This memory is connected to my memory as a kid of quickly going around the house to organize the house for Christmas for santa claus. Within this memory I feel very anxious. My parents told me that santa claus was coming soon and that we had to clean the house. I thought: santa claus was coming to our house, I have to clean everything. I felt anxious. My father gets anxious when he tries to get us to do something quickly and in a hurry. I ran quickly to the living room and started organizing the toys and dolls that were in there. As I was picking up a doll and placing it upright, I felt excited, I thought santa claus is coming (there is a picture of a face with open eyes and drawn out smile). As I went to open a cabinet door I thought I have to organize everything. I then felt tired. This reminds me of when my dad would tell us we have to organize the house since mami’s coming home.  I thought I don’t want to organize the house. I felt sad. I thought I did not make all the messes. I felt sad. I thought I don’t have to do this. I then felt tired. (I need to investigate feeling tired, there is something else underneath). Tired seems to be just a reaction and is an excuse to not work or do something.

Right now I feel tired within deciding and starting self-forgiveness. I think I suck at applying self-forgiveness. So within feeling tired (criticizing myself through an insult) I don’t do things or don’t do things correctly. I just have to push the point I am trying to live (I think I am too tired to push). I feel tired. But I realize that I have to face this point of feeling tired (I think I am too tired to face tiredness). I feel tired.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think it would be cool to be like the cartoons.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think it would be cool to be like the cartoons when I remember that cartoons would sweep dust under the rug.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought it would be cool to be like the cartoons to the emotional experience called sullen.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience known as sullen within and as myself. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think santa claus is coming to our house, I have to clean everything.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think santa claus is coming to our house, I have to clean everything when my parents told me that santa clause is coming to our house and we have to clean the house.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought santa is coming I have to clean everything to the emotional experience known as anxiety.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience known as anxiety within and as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think santa claus is coming.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think santa claus is coming when I picked up a doll and placed it upright.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought santa claus is coming to the feeling experience of excitement.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the feeling experience of excitement within and as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I have to organize the house.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought I have to organize the house to the emotional experience of feeling tired.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to push myself when I am tired instead of facing my tiredness as an emotion that I am accepting and allowing, and forgiving and taking responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought I don’t have to do this to the emotional experience of feeling tired.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought I have to organize everything to the emotional experience of feeling tired.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I don’t want to organize the house.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I don’t want to organize the house when my dad would tell us we have to organize the house since mami’s coming home.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought I don’t want to organize the house to the emotional experience of feeling sad.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience of feeling sad. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I don’t have to do this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I don’t have to do this when I have do complete some responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the emotional experience of feeling tired when I think I don’t have to do this.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience of feeling tired within and as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I suck at applying self-forgiveness.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I suck at applying self-forgiveness when I decide to start self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought I suck at self-forgiveness to the emotional experience of feeling tired.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the emotional experience of feeling tired within and as myself.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am too tired to push.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am too tired to push when I see I need to push myself within a point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought I am too tired to push to the emotional experience of feeling tired.

 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am too tired to face tiredness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am too tired to face tiredness when I realize I have to face this point of feeling tired.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought I am too tired to face tiredness to the emotional experience of feeling tired.

I do feel tired (create it) in order to defeat myself. I notice I did not want to organize everything so I literally defeat myself to get what I want: to not organize everything and to appear acceptable because I have the excuse I am tired. I have used this excuse before and seen my mom use this excuse on us where it is ok and acceptable to stop doing something because we are tired. This worked well as we were young kids.

Some Self-Forgiveness

Some Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to torture the physical, which is one and equal as me, through generating/charging energy, which take from the physical and kill the physical.

I correct myself by stopping the generation/charging of energy, which take from the physical and kill the physical, so that the torture/abuse to the physical, which is one and equal as me can stop.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to abuse the physical in separation of the physical as me. I forgive myself for accepting and allwonig myself to not see the physical is a reflection of who I am as evil, for how I abuse the physical.

I correct myself by bringing myself here through breath and live one and equal as the physical.

I correct myself by walking in self-forgiveness for what I have done, and live in commitment to stop all abuse of the physical so that all life can be free and so I can know freedom as well, through the reality which is equal and one as the physical.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to let my desire possess me, the desire of party ad friendship and celebration, such that I separated myself from the physical so I can allow desire to possess me and avoid the physical consequences (which I can never avoid). I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can ever avoid the physical consequences of my actions, especially allowing energy to possess me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to charge and generate energy when I forgive myself and see I have applied self-forgiveness.

Memories

I forgive myself for demonizing memory as bad, when it is me, thus I create myself as bad in polarity with good. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate within the forgetfulness that humanity has accepted and allowed where we have chosen to forget our history to keep on making the same mistake and thus making ourselves not equal to our history thus enslaving/trapping ourselves to our history. I forgive myself for giving up my will to direct/change through forgetting I can change/direct myself one and equal. I forgive myself for running away from memory of what is here, one and equal. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of remembering what is here, so I purposefully forget what is here to not face here.  My memory and I are inseparable, if my memory is erased, so am I.