Fighter

 

Chess with my cousin

My cousin asked if I wanted to play chess. I said yes. (I did not really consider his question, I reacted with the answer. I perceived it as a challenge and I believed I had no choice. I thought I am a chicken if I say no to a game of chess. I felt nervous. As we started the game, I thought: I hope I win. I felt nervous. I did not want to appear that I desired to win as I knew if I lost I would appear sad. I had recently told my cousin that if you want to win you cannot distract yourself with the desire to win.  As a child I would often pray for things including winning at games. I once wished on a shooting star that me and my brother would beat a hard boss in a video game we were playing. I later associated our victory from the wish to the fact that we learned over time from having tried to win so many times. So I thought in order to win you need to keep on trying. So if I try I then I hope to win. I notice this to be true where if I start trying I am motivated by winning. Consequently I notice that if I see I have no chance of winning I don’t really try.

As a child I played many games of chess with other children. I won most of them. I took great pride within the number of games I won. When I would lose one game after another I would get continuously upset. I remember I would only show my emotions in moments where I thought I could not hold them back since I was too upset. One time I remember trying to punch someone for pulling down my pants. (I learned from my science teacher that a punch on a wall will give as much force back to your hand. In other words it would be more painful the harder you punch. I feared pain and I avoided fighting for fear of physical pain.) These were guys who tried messing with me many times. I had already built a fear to having my pants pull down. I also remember getting upset because the girl I liked was watching too. I don’t actually remember the event, I blacked out. After the event I remember being on the ground facing down, as if I fallen. I don’t remember seeing the guy I tried to hit or who pulled my pants down. After, I remember crying when I told someone who asked me what happened, I said, someone pulled my pants down. There was someone who I believed pulled my pants down but I could not say for sure and so I could not accuse him. This same guy I thought tried to steal a pair of black gloves I had. He asked for the gloves. I resisted but I let him try it on, since he only wanted to see it. When he disappeared I searched for him. I felt angry when I thought he tried to steal from me, as I took it personal. It follows the same construct I described in the previous section. But I left out feeling sad. I remember that my brother would point out that I cry often when I got upset with him and when I decided to really share what I felt. He would get upset that I was crying. My mom was present when I cried about what I perceived my brother was doing to me. I cried on my first multiplication test and I tried very hard to do well in math. My dad’s dog recently died. This feeling of sadness gave me access to memories where I felt equally sad. It reminded me of breakups; of when my mom’s camera was stolen in Peru or when my mom and dad had their biggest fight. Unlike other people, I held onto sadness for longer. I would linger in weeks of sadness, holding onto memories, thoughts and the feeling/emotion.

As a child I would repeat certain memories in my head, as I felt great emotions when I remembered them. I would repeat thoughts too.

When I started losing I felt diminished inside but I tried not to show that to others. I thought there is no hope for me. I felt nervous. I noticed I avoided making eye contact with my cousin. I also remember avoiding eye contact of the kid I am playing against when I started losing or have lost. I thought I was just tired. I did not allow myself to show that I felt sad. I would get very upset when I lose several games of chess against my father. In other games like kickball I would think that whichever team I am on is going to lose. So I would repeat this thought and expect it to be true. This also made me feel sad.

When I saw I lost I compounded the feeling of inferiority (sadness) even further, and then immediately suppressed the compounded emotion called sadness. I thought I’m done. I felt exasperated. I still desired to win so I agreed to another game of chess. When my cousin asked me to play again I thought yes. I again felt nervous. (This reminds me of a feeling of wanting to continue games with friends or playing a video game for more time before letting my brother play as we took turns [addiction]. While playing a game I would think I don’t want to give up. I felt nervous when I thought this. I thought I don’t want to be a loser. I felt sad after thinking this.  After losing and going through the same cycle I gave up (the point where I finally let go)  and I thought I’m a loser and felt sad, in which I suppressed my desire to win until a future time, and just said I was tired, in which I suppressed my frustration, and left. I thought im done and I felt exasperated. I notice that in a video game where I am losing, I readily leave the game to let my brother play. I also have a memory where I have lost a major game and all I thought about was going home. I became disappointed in myself (blamed myself) for allowing myself to play chess while I am tired, I thought I shouldn’t have done that. I was criticizing myself in the past on something I cannot change). I tried to protect my image through stating I was tired, so that I can blame tiredness for my losing and frustration. (my mom would say we are tired when we felt upset about something and it was late. I remember feeling tired after losing the game.)

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be motivated by winning and discouraged by losing and have defined trying as a word dependent on outcome instead of independent of outcome and so trying is an unconditional expression of myself instead of myself enslaved to the outcome.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think yes when my cousin asks me to play a game. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think yes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience called nervousness within and as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought yes to the emotion of feeling nervous.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think there is no hope for when I start losing.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think there is no hope for me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought there is no hope for me to the emotion called nervousness.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience called nervous within and as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I’m done when I lost the chess game. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I’m done.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought I’m done to the emotion of exasperated.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience known as exasperated within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel diminished for losing and to hide my feeling of diminishment, while thinking there is no hope for me, thus keeping me enslaved in the same pattern of a hidden diminishment when I lose. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that whenever anyone asks me to play I perceive it as a challenge to myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing battle within and as me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing conflict within and as me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate within the pattern ‘I give up’ whenever I see myself losing many times and within that, giving up on me being able to win something, which I see I also apply in my real life.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am tired when I am upset/emotional about losing/not getting my way.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am tired. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself by thinking i am tired to hide my reactions of inferiority and then blaming myself for letting myself to play while tired when all along i was creating tired to have an excuse to leave the game.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought I am tired to the emotional experience of feeling horrible.

 My brother and I would try and cheat the other to try and play more time on a video game. When the other’s time was up I would get upset and I would use my upset demeanor to tell my mom that my brother was not getting off the computer or playstation. I can see that I was not really upset but I just used being upset to play more or get more. I know this was how to get my mom to give us things or get what we want.