Tuesday, July 31, 2012

The Dark Side of the Moon.


Birthday night 2013
My family wanted to watch some family videos from when we were kids. One video was of my brother and I taking a shower. Everyone was howling and laughing because they thought they were seeing me naked and they were laughing to see me naked. I felt violated and I blamed my father for what I felt since he took the video. I felt inferior because I was being laughed at. I thought I looked silly. I felt anxious when I thought this. I also remember a fear of being seen naked, where I thought others would think my penis and balls look small and weird. I also thought my anus looks dirty as it had a dark circular area. I feel disgusted when I think my anus looks dirty. I feel sad when I think my penis and balls look small and weird. I remember having a dream of being naked and trying to hide my nudity, where I blamed others for my experience. While the video was on, I felt angry with those who were laughing and I blamed them, as I did not want to think of my anus, penis, and balls as I reacted to those thoughts. (I notice that this requires that I have as a character to resist the dark and embrace the light, as what I judge to be good/bad) I notice I became quiet in between thoughts, within which I was suppressing my thoughts and feelings/emotions, including the thoughts on my body that made me angry.
I thought that hiding/suppressing my reason for being angry would protect my reason for being angry that within hiding they would not see why I felt fear and shame. I hoped they would never attempt to question why I was angry; I used anger as a tool for pushing argument that served as a distraction from all self-honest consideration. Anger/violence/fear is contagious. I notice I have made myself powerless through hoping and holding onto a thought I am trying to protect from being consciously faced. I believed to be powerless in my situation, and just a victim. I realize this experience of powerless is just myself seeing how as the mind I have no power to influence my reality, which is why I had only hoped they not find out. As the mind I am powerless. If I give up my thoughts/judgments on my body I will be free.

I remember another childhood dream where I dreamt a monster was coming to get me and I just crouched down, closed my eyes and ears with my hands and I thought I was hiding and I thought: don’t get me. This monster in this particular dream is Chucky from the horror movie. In this dream I am in a parking lot at night. I stumble on a parking slab of stone and I am crouching down and hiding. I dared not even look at him since the sight of him was the trigger of my fear. I think wake up. This thought reminds me of movies or shows where people think they are dreaming and so they pinch themselves to try and wake up. I remember they would do this when they are scared. I realize I have accepted and allowed my fear of chucky and I have decided to just run away and wake up from my nightmares.
Later I received advice from an adult I did not know but I liked what he said. He said to stand up to monsters in dreams and to fight them violently to release my fear of them. I remember dreaming of being in an urban setting and some guys attacked me, so I attacked them and beat them up. I thought I am powerful when I saw I easily I beat them. I felt happy. I thought no one better mess with me when I started fighting with them. I felt furious. After seeing what I wrote above: “Anger/violence/fear is contagious” and how I behaved in the dream, I see that I have the excuse where I think I can attack others if they attack me. This reminds of of the batman movie where he uses fear against his opponent. When I first heard this line in the movie I had a positive reaction to it. Now I see that this violence in itself, where you harm another to get your way. This reminds me of when I got kicked in my butt by some kids and I thought: why are they doing this to me, to which I felt sad. My mom after told me to stand up for myself when someone messes with me at school, that to kick him in the butt if they do that to me. I thought if I attack it is to protect myself. I remember approving war, such as WWII where you have to defend yourself. I have thought exactly the same line of thought in playing violent video games where if someone says that why are you shooting that person I say they are shooting me. My mom has told the story that I got angry with my brother and cousin so I knocked their heads together. I actually don’t remember it. But I have gotten angry many times with my brother and cousin as we would fight as kids. We would retaliate if the other did something, whatever made the other angry.  
So I perceived my family was attacking me, I thought why are they laughing at me, they should stop. I felt sorrow. I thought I could not make them stop. I felt sad. I thought there is nothing I could do. I felt sad.
I have always felt less than when I am the punch of a joke (note, punch is violent).  I became quiet (believing I am hiding myself) to hide my reason for feeling of angry, which is thinking I can do nothing to change my situation since that would mean changing my thoughts, giving up my thoughts on my body and admitting I can change/stop thoughts.
So I see that I see myself as an image, within my thoughts that my anus looks dirty and my penis and balls look small and weird. I fear thinking this, as I fear my own image I have created of me. I try to hide within blame and anger, and I suppress the thoughts on my anus, balls, and penis themselves.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pretend i am a victim and make-believe my family is attacking me, thus creating an illusionary experience where i believe i can do nothing to change my experience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel sad when i believe i am powerless, am being attacked by my family.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to not take responsibility for my feeling violated by blaming my father for taking the video in the first place.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel violated within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel violated when people see a nude picture/movie of me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use my father to escape my responsibility by blaming him.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I look silly.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I look silly when everyone was howling and laughing to see me naked.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought I look silly to the emotional experience of feeling anxious.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my penis and balls look small and weird.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my penis and balls look small and weird when I see the visual image of my penis and balls.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought my penis and balls look small and weird to the emotional experience of feeling sad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience called sadness within and as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my anus looks dirty.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my anus looks dirty when I see my anus in the mirror or in an image.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought my anus looks dirty to the emotional experience called sadness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience known as sadness within and as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my face looks fat.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my face looks fat when I see the visual image of my cheeks in the mirror or in a photo/movie.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought my face looks fat to the emotional experience sadness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience of sadness within and as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my nose looks crooked and broken.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my nose looks crooked and broken when I see my nose in the mirror from above or see my nose in a picture of my whole face.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought my nose looks crooked and broken to the emotional experience known as sadness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my hips look fat.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my hips look fat when I see my hips from behind, in the mirror or otherwise.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought my hips look fat to the emotional experience known as sadness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my legs look small and weird.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my legs look small and weird when I see my legs from above and from behind, and when I feel my legs with my hand.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought my legs look small and weird to the emotional experience known as sadness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my butt looks small and weird.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my butt looks small and weird when I see my butt bare from behind.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought my butt looks small and weird to the emotional experience known as sadness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my pecks look fat.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my pecks looks fat when I hold my peck and release it or when I see my upper body in the mirror.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought my pecks look fat to the emotional experience known as sadness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience known as sadness within and as myself.
My brother would call me fat.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am fat.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am fat when I look at my belly from above and see it covers the view of my feet or penis and balls. ( I have this image from a cartoon I watched. In the cartoon goofy was exercising and even practiced dancing. He was preparing his appearance for a date. )
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought I am fat to the emotional experience known as sadness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I have a fat chin.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I have a fat chin when I see my chin from the side or when I see my chin stick out when I tuck my head down.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought I have a fat chin to the emotional experience known as sadness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience called sadness within and as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my ear lobes look big.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think my ear lobes look big when I hold my ear lobes with my thumb and index fingers.
I notice a trend where regarding the physical body I am judging looking big as bad. Where having a big head is bad.
My mom told me Chinese tradition says that people with big ear lobes attract wealth to them and are very lucky.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am lucky because my ear lobes are big.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am lucky because my ear lobes are big when I feel my ear lobes and when I see my ears from the side of my face.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought I am lucky because I have big ear lobes to the feeling experience of happiness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I look like a girl.
I remember that I once was asked if I was a girl. I had very long hair that covered my face.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I look like a girl when someone asked me if I was a girl and says I look like a girl.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought I look like a girl to the emotional experience known as fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the emotional experience of fear within and as me.
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the emotional experience of fear to the thought I am naked.
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am naked when I see an old picture/movie of me naked.  
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the physical reaction of hiding my inner feelings and emotions and inner experience from my conscious awareness when I experience the emotion called fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the physical reaction of hiding my inner feelings and emotions and inner experiences from my conscious awareness within and as me.
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the physical reaction of hiding myself when I am faced with the emotional experience called fear.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the physical reaction of hiding myself within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience of rage when I see or hear people laugh at my body’s appearance, which only further suppresses and covers my feelings and emotions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am angry at people laughing at me so as to not take responsibility for what I am experiencing as the totality of myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry to get my way, more specifically to distract others from learning the truth of myself as judging my own appearance as bad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience of inferiority within and as myself as that served only to distract myself from what I really experienced.
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel distrusted when people laugh at me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think that if people don’t take me seriously they don’t trust me.
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior when people see a naked picture/movie of me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create myself as the victim that cannot change his circumstances and situation through accepting and allowing myself to react to laughter and blame laughter when I clearly do have the power to create myself and my experience.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have the physical reaction of hiding when I believe I am faced with a monster that is coming for me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define hiding as crouching down, blocking my eyes and ears and repeating to myself, I am safe. I can clearly see a pattern here, where I have repeated positive thoughts to myself to convince myself I am safe, for example, or I am well, or everything is all right.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to tell myself something is true when I know that if it was true I would not have to tell myself and convince myself of it. The truth of me is clearly seen by me.


Well, in my dream I dreamt I had suds on my body and I was nearby a party. I went to hide myself and I end up falling on the floor hiding from people. The fear consists of feeling nervous and hoping/desiring people to not see me. If they don’t see me I think: I can relax. I feel light (in terms of weight).
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I hope they don’t see me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I hope they don’t see me, when I am naked.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire people to not see me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought I hope they don’t see me to the emotional experience called nervousness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience known as nervousness within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting myself to connect the thought I can relax to the feeling experience of feeling light.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the feeling experience of feeling light within and as me.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I can relax when I avoid being seen naked.
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define quiet in separation of myself through defining quiet as a physical reaction of suppressing all emotion, feeling, thought and inner experience from conscious awareness in separation of myself so to achieve a suppressed silence of mind for a moment.
I forgive myself for not realizing that my desire of hiding messes, dust, was a reaction to not have to take responsibility of the dust and mess similar to and analogous to my suppression of thought and mind so as to not take responsibility of myself.
I remembered that I would have this desire to sweep the dust I had gathered under a rug. I remembered that in cartoons they did this. I desired to be like the cartoons. I thought it would be cool to be like the cartoons. I felt sullen.  My memory consisted of an image in my living room pulling up a rug in one hand and about to sweep a pile of dust under the rug lifted with my hand. This memory is connected to my memory as a kid of quickly going around the house to organize the house for Christmas for santa claus. Within this memory I feel very anxious. My parents told me that santa claus was coming soon and that we had to clean the house. I thought: santa claus was coming to our house, I have to clean everything. I felt anxious. My father gets anxious when he tries to get us to do something quickly and in a hurry. I ran quickly to the living room and started organizing the toys and dolls that were in there. As I was picking up a doll and placing it upright, I felt excited, I thought santa claus is coming (there is a picture of a face with open eyes and drawn out smile). As I went to open a cabinet door I thought I have to organize everything. I then felt tired. This reminds me of when my dad would tell us we have to organize the house since mami’s coming home.  I thought I don’t want to organize the house. I felt sad. I thought I did not make all the messes. I felt sad. I thought I don’t have to do this. I then felt tired. (I need to investigate feeling tired, there is something else underneath). Tired seems to be just a reaction and is an excuse to not work or do something.
Right now I feel tired within deciding and starting self-forgiveness. I think I suck at applying self-forgiveness. So within feeling tired (criticizing myself through an insult) I don’t do things or don’t do things correctly. I just have to push the point I am trying to live (I think I am too tired to push). I feel tired. But I realize that I have to face this point of feeling tired (I think I am too tired to face tiredness). I feel tired.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think it would be cool to be like the cartoons.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think it would be cool to be like the cartoons when I remember that cartoons would sweep dust under the rug.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought it would be cool to be like the cartoons to the emotional experience called sullen.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience known as sullen within and as myself. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think santa claus is coming to our house, I have to clean everything.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think santa claus is coming to our house, I have to clean everything when my parents told me that santa clause is coming to our house and we have to clean the house.
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought santa is coming I have to clean everything to the emotional experience known as anxiety.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience known as anxiety within and as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think santa claus is coming.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think santa claus is coming when I picked up a doll and placed it upright.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought santa claus is coming to the feeling experience of excitement.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the feeling experience of excitement within and as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I have to organize the house.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought I have to organize the house to the emotional experience of feeling tired.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to push myself when I am tired instead of facing my tiredness as an emotion that I am accepting and allowing, and forgiving and taking responsibility.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought I don’t have to do this to the emotional experience of feeling tired.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought I have to organize everything to the emotional experience of feeling tired.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I don’t want to organize the house.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I don’t want to organize the house when my dad would tell us we have to organize the house since mami’s coming home.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought I don’t want to organize the house to the emotional experience of feeling sad.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience of feeling sad. 
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I don’t have to do this.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I don’t have to do this when I have do complete some responsibility.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the emotional experience of feeling tired when I think I don’t have to do this.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in the emotional experience of feeling tired within and as myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I suck at applying self-forgiveness.
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I suck at applying self-forgiveness when I decide to start self-forgiveness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought I suck at self-forgiveness to the emotional experience of feeling tired.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing the emotional experience of feeling tired within and as myself.
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am too tired to push.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am too tired to push when I see I need to push myself within a point.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought I am too tired to push to the emotional experience of feeling tired.
 I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am too tired to face tiredness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think I am too tired to face tiredness when I realize I have to face this point of feeling tired.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the thought I am too tired to face tiredness to the emotional experience of feeling tired.


I do feel tired (create it) in order to defeat myself. I notice I did not want to organize everything so I literally defeat myself to get what I want: to not organize everything and to appear acceptable because I have the excuse I am tired. I have used this excuse before and seen my mom use this excuse on us where it is ok and acceptable to stop doing something because we are tired. This worked well as we were young kids.

No comments:

Post a Comment