I meditated constantly. As a child I even meditated. It was around ten that I was taught “how to meditate.” I became obsessed with gurus and enlightened beings. I thought meditation was the only way I could truly help people, because as long as I am unenlightened I will always make mistakes and never do what needs to be done. I needed to become intuitive and loving, so whatever I do is good and right for the moment. I later became possessed with the idea of being guided in my life. I was always worried with being on track with my destiny. Anything that is implied in this writing is true. As I reread this i see many unspoken statements that I indeed followed. Enlightenment is a person who is always loving and is connected to the oneness of the world and therefore knows what to do always, even if he doesn’t know it. That being enlightened was the only true way to help anyone. I believed all suffering was due to not being conscious and therefore I could only help if I knew the way. And this is the only “right” thing in the world. “Love.” Because love meant approval/validation. Love meant support. Love meant power/freedom. Love was everything/my world. God was love. Also if you realized love it meant you were in control, you “won.” You're good and better than evil. CONgratulations.
Later as I had my chance of experiencing myself in relationships and being left outside them did I realize the polarized nature of love and all feelings. The more love, the more hate. I only understood this clearly with video interviews from desteni. I could also see how I accepted and allowed the manifested evil of starvation as normal within myself, which I felt shame for. Before this event I was engulfed with my emotions and feelings, and thoughts. I was oblivious to anything outside myself and my thoughts, emotions and feelings. I was meditating constantly and at some point I made the statement, I was willing to face the truth no matter how difficult it might be. In this way I was able to dare myself to try out the desteni message. I was still limited by my mind and energy. And this was the starting point of meditation: “I am not good enough, need to become more.” Which is clearly separation, which I understood from the message. And then from meditating I would cleverly think of something so I could say I acquired knowledge, “wise statements” which I can show off. I initially participated in desteni videos through wanting to deal with my issues of emotions and eventually feelings. I still existed as a fearful system. A demon, a zombie. I had trouble with my thoughts. Trouble that I caused. I saw thoughts as bad, essentially, and I was afraid of them. I built this personality from reading Eckhart Tolle writings (and other sources, 2B looked at). For the Desteni message, I was drawn in because what I heard I could make sense out of it yet it caused reactions. So I was determined. I have trouble explaining, in simple words why I was determined. Because its life. Because its me. Everything they are saying is about me. It fits me like a glove. Moreover it fits everyone else too. There’s no other way. It may sound cultish, lol, but we’re talking about life. Life cannot be anything else but life. So, life is. And currently life is suffering and suppressed. Anyone who says anything negative or positive about this subject is an asshole. Because this is reality, and reality does not change with a judgment. So lets get real and come down from our heavens in heads and get in touch and dig into Earth.
This is the first time im facing these memories. I can see I sympathized with myself. And constantly think how bad my life is. I lived a life trying to live the statement: I am good, please give me love. And I was deceptive. I repeated in my head and I believed it. I know now that everything I did, I did to myself, and all that I experienced I did to me. I am responsible, the only one.
For a lightworker or someone who is looking for love/validation from others, this process is as difficult as you make it. I suggest being soft with yourself and deadly when needed. The message is simplistic, there are no tricks. The forum makes it easier and ask for help. Don’t be proud, you’re an equal in this process. Give yourself yourself. Practice reading each word clearly and precisely without emotion or feeling and rereading when you do react or think. Have Fun!
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use meditation as a way to avoid having to intervene to help people, animals and plants. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of making a mistake. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of making a mistake because I allowed it to happen. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of not knowing I was making a mistake or allowing a mistake. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use intuition and loving from a distance as an excuse to not take practical responsibility. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire perfection in never doing wrong and always doing right. And I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use guidance as an excuse for not taking self-responsibility for this world. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use astrology, the mayan dream chart, and other predictions for my future as excuses to not act and live a responsible life. I forgive myself for not realizing the enlightenment is simply living a responsible life as an equal to any other doing the same. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try to find my own way that does not involve directing assisting each and every person, plant, and cell in this universe, that avoids this process of facing me for who I accepted and allowed me to live and be. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to plan to use love as an attempt to enslave people to me, where I loved people and showed them “the way,” just as I enslaved myself to love, to a being out there somewhere higher than me that I can’t see and therefore it meant He was special like magic, something to believe in. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to enslave myself to love and loving another being or several beings. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself connect self-power to feeling loved. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define self-power within feeling loved. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from self-power and feeling loved through defining self-power within feeling loved in separation of myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define freedom in separation from myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect the word ‘freedom’ to feeling love. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define the word ‘freedom’ within feeling loved. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word ‘freedom’ and feeling loved through defining the word ‘freedom’ within feeling love in separation of myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make feeling a certain experience constantly and consistently with no fluctuation, the purpose of my life. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that by having a certain experience constantly and consistently with no fluctuation as a way to experience god or be god. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that by having a certain experience constantly and consistently with no fluctuation that only I know of would define winning. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from existence by desiring to experience love. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire love for me and only me, forever. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see enlightened being and gurus as more than me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to see myself as less than gurus, enlightened beings, and god. I forgive myself for not realizing that what needs to be done requires doing, actual living application with a noticeable stance from me doing so in my world. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see that repeating the thoughts on enlightenment and love, I was in fact being brainwashed by myself, in fear of myself and in fear of living or have to live. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of having to live. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of facing me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of responsibility and making a noticeable change in the world that would require self-sacrifice by facing and ending parts of me such as my fear and resistances. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of making a mistake in my self-forgive and so being hesitant. I forgive myself for not realizing the simplicity in writing down every point I have participated in forgiveness. I forgive myself for not realizing that I have power to be one and equal with my words in writing. I forgive myself for not realizing the responsibility I have to having the power to be one and equal with my words in writing. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place my self-faith outside of me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not use the power of my self-faith to know what is real and what is an illusion. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing suffering in this world by accepting and allowing suffering within me. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not take self-responsibility for suffering within me and my world. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to try and find another way to end suffering so that I can justify and excuse having to face my fear of me and from having to take responsibility for what I have accepted and allowed. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing shame and guilt for what I have accepted and allowed. I forgive me for not taking responsibility for this world as me and not realize that by taking responsibility I prove that I had always been the only one who had to take responsibility that no other solution exist. And I prove that each one can take self-responsibility. I forgive myself for splitting me so that I can avoid responsibility. I forgive myself for separating myself from being a being who is always loving and is connected to the oneness of the world and therefore knows what to do always. And I forgive defining love as an experience instead of actual physical relationship between two points where one point actually practically is acting on another, so that visible change is apparent and instantaneous. I forgive myself for relying on the reptilian logic of right, that love is right and hate is wrong, where if I dared to disturb another being’s slumber for any reason that they can hate me for, I would be wrong. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect love to hope. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect love to joy. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect love to peace. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define peace within love. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself fot define joy within love. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define hope within love. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the words joy and love through defining the word joy within love in separation from myself. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from hope and love through defining the word hope within love in separation of myself. I forgive myself forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from the word peace and the word love through defining the word peace within the word love in separation of myself. I forgive myself for defining who I was in terms of who I was in comparison to Evil. I forgive myself for having the definition of me to be based on a comparison of being more than or less than someone/something else. I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define control of my world as having an experience of love as energy.
